I’m not really sure what it is I’m supposed to write about exactly. I feel like it is something having to do with abuse in whole, specifying what happened in Mozambique. But, friends, thinking about it all is overwhelming.
The last two years have been head spinning for me, and have seriously altered the way I see things. The healing that has come from the last two years is far more important to me. Yet, for some reason I am being led to continue to write about the events of the last two years.
First, I think it’s important to say – While back in the US after my time in Mozambique, an interesting phenomenon began to occur. Simultaneously with my spiritual healing, I also began to see more of the dark side of things. Fear began to overwhelm me at times. I have never had panic attacks before. Now I do.
I am realizing that along with seeing the greater good, comes seeing the greater bad. I’ve always been decent at seeing both good and bad in situations, trying to weigh each against each other and making decisions based on how I feel the long-term outcome is more good than bad. But now, now I am in a league I didn’t even understand existed. I can’t NOT see the ugliness humans are capable of, and I also see the good so much deeper than I did before.
It scares me frankly.
My ability to be right here, right now is a cactus to hold on to. I see the future impact of what the right here and now can bring. It’s not an easy lens to look through. But mostly it is difficult for me because, though I struggle with the adult land of all this, it is the children I am having the most difficulty with.
And by that I mean, seeing how the obscene scale of abuse that humans are capable of, and pull off constantly, affects our children.
Our beautiful children come in to this world innocent. It is our societies that hone them into future abusers and we are all abusers. Let’s be real about it. Even if we don’t consciously abuse others, we abuse ourselves so regularly. White privilege affords many of us the “right” to be abusive without feeling that it is so, or knowing that we do. It shatters self worth across the board. It creates such a systemic divide and conquer system, that everything we do is in it and we don’t even know it.
How do we overcome? We are creatures of habit, of comfort. Even as we explore and expand, we maintain those spaces in our psyche that keep us comfortable enough to push past this boundary or that boundary.
And how do we deal with those that push abuse past the “acceptable” places?
I am currently friends with someone who pushes my verbal boundaries all over the place. To be fair, though I would never have been ok with some of the things that are said, I wouldn’t have been so emotionally torn over them before the last two years. I have never been ok with the nigger, ho, etc., being thrown out every fourth word in a sentence, but I have tolerated when people around me have spoken like that, saying to myself, “it’s the vernacular”.
But, it’s the vernacular of people who have been oppressed and degraded to a point that these derogatory words are put into common language, in order not to be hurt by it. I own these words so they don’t hurt when you say them. Because, guess what, words really do hurt. Even the rhyme is meant to deflect, push away the hurt that comes from people saying mean things to each other.
It’s a verbal avoidance display of the hierarchy that comes with divide and conquer societies.
And I can’t handle it. I can’t listen to it. I don’t want it around me. I screams in my face about so many things that are wrong about how we raise our children in this society, how we have it set up to raise them, even when we are doing everything “right”.
Reading through some of my light summer reading… (haha) I ran across this from Chris Biffle;
“Listen carefully to how rebellious students talk to each other… there is a continuous struggle for hierarchy, authority and power inside their group. They support each other out of fear of not being supported and of being ostracized, but their ongoing battles build up enormous reserves of bitter energy.
…harassing each other is their way of life, the way they maintain rank in their group. Think of a clique of challenging students this way: you’ve got Leaders, Followers and Bottom Dwellers. There is usually one Leader, call him El Supremo (or La Suprema, if you wish) and many Followers and Bottom Dwellers. El Supremo maintains his position by harassing Followers and Bottom Dwellers. Followers maintain their position by harassing other Followers and Bottom Dwellers. Bottom Dwellers maintain their position by harassing each other, and, when it is safe, joining in the harassment of Followers who are being harassed by other Followers and/ or El Supremo. So, these cliques are small societies that run on humiliation, intimidation and reprisal. They are only truly united when they face Outsiders, especially Outsiders who are in Authority.”
Biffle, Chris. Whole Brain Teaching
Add to that how society teaches our boys not to feel any emotions outside the “be a man” box. Which btw, not feeling emotion is a part of a sociopaths profile.
Think about that for a minute.
And I guess that brings me to the sociopath that I had the misfortune to connect with, John Goosen.
The last few days I was in Mozambique, the every ready and apparently effective, “I’ve got an illness, feel sorry for me” tact was thrown and hooked into the people that I should have been able to count on to help me. The available, yet meaningless tears as he said his I’m so sorry, to them. Said he was diagnosed as a sociopath, and had decided to go off his meds when he left for Mozambique the year before. (Though to my knowledge there is no such thing as a medication for sociopaths.) His sorry for them having to take me in, his sorry for my putting everyone out. He shouldn’t have been so aggressive, but he didn’t understand why I was causing everyone else to have difficulties because of it.
It’s a ploy. It’s not real. It’s meant to distract and diffuse. Once he was “sick”, I became “unreasonable”. I became the abuser because I needed help, and kept demanding justice for what he had done. People don’t want to see abuse so much so, that they will turn on the victims even while they’re still black and blue.
And interestingly enough, I am watching this same style of scenario play out, yet-a-freaking-gain. And again, the players involved are magically unable to see the power hungry abuser for what he is. He keeps everything clean and above board around the people he needs to. Shakes the right hands, greases the right wheels. He’s got just enough twisted around the players just below those, uses just enough of the looking like a good guy, says what they want to hear, and bam, they turn their head to everything else; the abuse of power, position, the verbal abuses, and yes, even the physical abuses. Just choose not to see it, not to do anything about it, and in fact keep him right where he is because they choose to see only the “look like a good guy” things.
Frankly I’m amazed at how easily we choose to see what we want, opposed to what is. I kinda still wish I could.
My ex-husband always looked like the good guy to people at church, or work. No one could believe the things that he would do at home when only his family was around. And I played my part as well. I was the happy wife when others were around. I was the one who caused any issues. I took all the blame, until I didn’t any more.
Then it got worse. Until I stopped playing the game, started seeing the truth instead of what I wanted to see, it escalated only slightly through time. But then it escalated rapidly.
And even after I left, he played on everyone. “I’m so worried about her, what is she doing? Do you know where she goes? I need your help to help her”.
I guess this is just a general rant…… but the main point I’m seeing in this rant is
We need to wake up and start looking at truth. The real truth. And change it.
Fear of the unknown is powerful, and that’s what we’re heading into. All of us are living in a world that is rapidly deteriorating as an inhabitable place. All of us will be dealing with how to get basic necessities like clean water and uncontaminated food before too long.
Sadly, we need to see how we treat each other faster than we need to see how to treat our power supplies.
Because once we’re in the depths of the struggle for our collective lives, how we treat each other will be the final determiner. How quick we are to just blow each other up instead of share and compromise and work together will be the truth that decides if we all die or find a way to live on.
Being all in for me and mine will leave a very lonely planet.
So how do we wake up? How do we help others wake up?
I hear, “that’s just how it is” “stop being so sensitive” “this is how it’s always been, since the beginning of time” and it makes me want to vomit.
Yes, of course this is how it has always been, why do you think it is so deeply entrenched in EVERYTHING. But that DOES NOT mean that it needs to remain so.
Our world is all filled up with people. We don’t need to go conquer new lands any more. We have automatic everything, we don’t need to enslave people anymore. We live in a globally connected and political world, we don’t need to have wars any more. We have complex languages and lots of people that can speak any number of them, we don’t have to have language barriers and lack of communication any more. We are not living in the same scope as the people who created these hierarchical systems were. We don’t need them any more.
Yes, it’s been this way for 4000 years, ok. Truth is truth, but WE DON’T NEED TO ANY MORE.
I don’t need to stop being so sensitive.
We need to help others become more sensitive. Not only do women need to stop ” remembering their place”, men need to stop “being men”. Let’s all just be people. People who don’t subscribe to the -ism’s, don’t teach them to our children. Let’s be people who work together for the greater good. Let’s be people who leave a better world for our children, a world without abuses.
I guess I need to just keep writing. Whether or not I want to, and then what ever is supposed to come out will. I’m trusting in my guides, who have been sending me every thing they have to tell me to write on here, so I will.
Peace and love to you all!