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How do we

…Teach our children boundaries, without teaching shame?

…Unlearn shame without making boundary mistakes since we don’t really know where they’re supposed to be?

…Teach our children to make good choices and that it’s ok to make bad choices because that’s how we learn?  But, you know, don’t make bad choices on purpose…..

…look abusers in the eye and tell them THEY are doing wrong?

…how do we not?

…expect teenagers and adults to make good choices (learn from bad choices) without giving them times to practice as children?

…teach girls they are equal without belittling boys?

…let love win when we hide hatred in the guise of loving God?

…see the signs?

…stop the violence?

…feed the people?

…stop following blindly?

…learn to love to learn and break free from the instant gratification feedback loop?

…fuel positive forward motion with the abuse from others but let go of the pain?

…keep letting profit-making companies run our lives?

…look past the ugly, walk into no man’s land, just shake hands and move forward?

…finally just love ourselves, our bodies, and allow others to do the same without any issues?
…stop wanting to be ourselves while ridiculing others for being themselves?

…stop taking everything personally and reacting defensively?

…allow ourselves and others to look past what we were taught, and whether we agree or not, try to see another point of view.

Because we really need to and we need to help each other.

So how do we?

 
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Posted by on 27/06/2015 in Uncategorized

 

The ubeity of my blog

As usual, new place, need time.

I’ll be back though, no worries.

I’ve got thoughts up my sleeve!

 
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Posted by on 25/06/2015 in Uncategorized

 

Chapter Next

Sunshine, rain, weddings, graduations,  visits,  theme parks,  beaches. …. California had it all last week.

Here’s a few pics from our fun.

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I think I’m not alone today in feeling like this guy.

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But,  new things are on the horizon and I will be continuing my journey in Montana for a while.

Yep folks,  I’ve been busy as this bee from Legoland today.

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But this is a good move.  Time to spend with my dad,  and to see my grandmother before she passes.  It was really hard to have missed getting up to see my grandpa last year.

I haven’t seen my grandmother since 1998, when I moved to New Mexico.  I haven’t seen my dad since my graduation.
I haven’t seen any of my aunts,  uncles,  and cousins from Montana since the early 1990s. 

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I’ll be riding dad’s motorcycle just like when I was a kid!  Packing light and shipping the rest.

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Every day brings something new. I choose to be led by my heart.  Who knew I was going to live in Montana?
When visiting my cousin last week he even asked me,  “You’ve never lived in Montana have you? ”
Well I guess I can’t say that any more. Big Sky country here I come. 

It’s a big bold move,  but hey,  I’m used to that right? 

OK THE UPDATE YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR
The fitness apps. Do they measure up?
WATER YOUR BODY
I like it so much I set it up on my mamas phone too! She was sure she had been drinking enough water, so she was pretty surprised when she found out she had to drink twice what she was!
The app uses your body weight to more correctly calculate how much h2o you should drink each day.
I mentioned before that you get to set up your start and finish times.
My sound was apparently off, but mamas sound wasn’t. The reminder sound like someone filing a glass of water! Ahahahaha.
She waits to drink her water until it makes the sound just because she likes it. What a riot!
S HEALTH
I like the daily “lets get fit” reminders, but I don’t like that I have to carry my phone every where with me, in my hand, and even then it’s not always accurate.
One day it registered over 8000 steps while walking a theme park. And the next theme park, with even more walking, it didn’t even meet my goal of 1000 steps.
SIT UPS AND SQUATS APP
I like these quite a bit. Good, easy to use, reminders are not annoying, and I can choose to go up, down, our stay st the same level with every workout.

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Tonight’s beautiful new moon.
Happy Ramadan to those who celebrate it….
I’ll pick the new apps once I get settled in.

Catch ya in a few my peeps, I’m off to the north in the a.m.

Good night 🌙

 
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Posted by on 18/06/2015 in Uncategorized

 

California Trippin

I’m with my mama and her grandkids in California!  
It’s their first time west, first time to see the Grand Canyon,  a seagull,  an ocean. First time to walk in sand,  lots of firsts actually .  I got to bring the baby into the ocean waves!  So awesome.

At the Grand Canyon.

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Had to find a way to get in the picture :)

Three days in my San Diego hometown was amazing!  Nostalgic.
I was able to see my cousin and his family.  Awesome!
Now for a day of Legoland, maybe the Animal Safari.  Tomorrow is Knotts Berry Farm.  And if the weather is warm,  some Waterpark action too!

I’d forgotten how much I LOVE California.
Oh how I love you SoCal!

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First time walking in sand! Looking too cool in his shades.

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Checking out the monkeys at the San Diego Zoo.

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Feeling so blessed to get to spend this time with them!

Wish my kidittos were here,  but there was already a separate trip planned.

And on that note

CONGRATULATIONS TO MY NEICE LORENA WHO IS GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL! !  YEAH! !

To all of you out there,  may your day be blessed.
Mine sure is.   <3

 
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Posted by on 15/06/2015 in Uncategorized

 

Walking Tall

A light is forming in the center of my visual field.  It looks a little like an open eye in front of me, if the colors were all inverted. Deep in the center a brighter light is forming shapes and separating into light and dark spaces. 

I am looking into and through the eye of a condor.  One that has been with me before.  I see his eye, as large as my face, become smaller as he pulls away.

Now in the light and dark shadow shapes I see him flying away, but making sure I follow.

As the light and dark take new form, I see in front of me a exceptionally tall, thin man.  His back is to me, his right arm extended to the right.  I look to what he is touching. 

An elephant.  The light is opening more and colors are blending in.  There are several elephants on his right.  He turns his head to his left, I look also.  There is a giraffe.  The man is so tall that his head is the height of the giraffe’s shoulders, the elephants head.  They are walking together.

His touch on the animals is so familiar.  They are his family.  The man turns his head and looks at me, and I see.  I see everything around me now.  Behind him, I am riding on the back of a lioness.  Behind me a bit to the side is a small monkey.  Above me the giant condor flies. 

I can feel the love of this lioness and her pride.  Each of the animals are sending me pride energy from their hearts.  It reaches my heart center and is almost too much.  But I feel it slowly fill me, make me stronger. 

It fills my cells and they enlarge.  I didn’t realize I was so shrunken.  I feel something new.  I don’t understand what it is.  There is almost an electric vibration within me but it is not unnatural.  It is stable, consistent, and lovely.

I ask a question in my mind.  Not aloud, but somehow it is known.

 

Then I am at a small water formation; a pool or small lake.  I am young.  But I am not the young of my childhood, but the young of myself with this new energy, had I had this energy when I was young.

I am wearing a soft, lemon yellow dress with short sleeves, ribbon waist tie, and a full skirted, knee-length hem.  Somehow the colors of the clay and dirt around me do not get my dress dirty.  Nor does the trunk of the baby elephant who is playing with me.

I hold her trunk and we touch our foreheads together.  She curls her trunk around me and swings me a little.  It is the play of friends that have been since birth.  It is love.

 

And finally as the light begins to reshape with the darkness, grow smaller again, I feel words being spoken.

I am listening.

 

“Walk tall.  Walk proud. 

Not to ward off evil.

But because you are a daughter of the Almighty, a Mother of spirits, a sister of the sun, cousin to the stars.

Walk in dignity,

giving your light,

Remember that the sun is still shining at night.

Wei ho ein cha lo wei ma

Cry many tears

to wash clean.

Do not let the wound close dry.

Sing many songs of happiness.

Fill your heart with joy.

Oppose hate.

Do not challenge it

for with a challenge you must embrace;

To challenge hate, you must hate.

Oppose the darkness with your light

Sun Sister

God Daughter

Spirit Mother

Walk tall.

Walk Proud.”

 

I am waking.  And I know.

 

 
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Posted by on 14/06/2015 in Uncategorized

 

I like to see the UPS truck

Driving along is a whole truck full of things people are hoping “comes today”!

Conversations have been had.  Hopeful checks of the window and the Internet have been made.

People are checking their watches in hopes that the UPS truck gets there today; comes on time, and they get their package.

I assume that there are more good packages than bad.  I wonder if the driver feels a little like Santa Claus,  Every.  Day.

You have to see dozens of genuine smiles every day.  How could you not love your job if you’re a UPS truck driver?

I’d like to do a ride along some  day.

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Posted by on 11/06/2015 in Uncategorized

 

The endeavor to walk in the world : Colors.

The endeavor to walk in the world : Colors.

They say when things get tough, that’s when you see people’s true colors.

In each of my trials, I’ve been shown the “true colors” of my friends.  I’m lucky to have so many good friends.  I appreciate all the calls, messages, shows of support, and offers to hang out now that I’m stateside again.  And, I truly appreciate my online friends as much as my in-person friends. 

Blog of many colors

Right now I’m coming to grips with how this atrocity even happened.  I was handling all that Mother Nature was dishing out; no electricity, no running water, violent storms, horrendous heat, Typhoid Fever, with a fair amount of grace I think.  And then without warning, at the end of my weakest state, John Goosen went on an unprovoked ape-shit rampage and decided to fling me around like a rag doll to make me listen to his drunken rant.

Some days are good.  Some days are bad.  That’s normal.  I write more on my good days, but lately it’s writing about my bad days.  That’s also normal.

I value being able to read through other blogs to see the uplifting and helpful information out there.  Feeling like there is a community of people who understand the process I am going through is so wonderful.  Sometimes it can be difficult for my in-person friends to understand.

And then there is always the hope that through this blog someone else can be helped as I work through everything and keep living the day to day as well.  Life goes on and this is how I’m trying to learn as I go.

All the Colors change

Once something traumatic has happened, you see the world differently.  I see the world differently.  Not better or worse, just different.  Things that were once important aren’t any more.  Things that weren’t important suddenly are.  Everything is colored a little differently.

Different or not, I’m still trying to walk through this world. I’m still trying to learn from this and become a better person for it.  I still see the beauty in the sunrises and sunsets.  I love listening to the birds in the morning and the coyotes in the evenings.  I enjoy conversations, cold beers, painting, reading, laughing.

But behind it all I’m trying to find my voice, give voice to those who don’t have it, and blaze a trail for change.

I pick at and piece through the trash pile that is the ways abusers work.  It is alarming how often I pick up a piece of that trash and think, “Oh, that looks familiar, that must be mine.”  Only to turn it over and see an Abuser’s name on it. It’s a bit disheartening to see how pervasive the blaming/ shaming way we treat victims is. 

For example, we all have heard “there’s a way victim’s walk, or hold their head, or (….) that clues abusers in that they are a good target”.

First,

and I want to scream this at the top of my lungs,

NO ONE SHOULD EVER. BE. A. TARGET. 

It doesn’t flipping matter if PersonX walks around with a real sign that says, “I let people abuse me”, PersonX should not get abused.  PersonX should not be a target.  PersonX should feel and be safe.  End of story.  Even if the sign has shiny flashy lights with arrows.

No one should be a target.

Think about that for a minute.  If PersonX has poor self-esteem, (and that shows through their posture), there are people out there who are compelled to hurt PersonX because of it.  Abusers look for people who already feel inferior, then Abusers humiliate them, isolate them, manipulate their emotions, make them feel crazy, makes others think they’re crazy. 

And instead of denouncing the Abuser, instead of stopping the Abuser from finding and hurting others, the general population looks at PersonX and says, “hold your head up more, walk straighter so abusers won’t target you”.  Everything gets shifted over to PersonX.

Why are people so afraid of Abusers that they can’t stand up to them?  I stood alone in trying to get people to see see John Goosen as an abuser.  The other people in Mozambique were so afraid to stand up to him.  He needed to work. He needed his space.  It wasn’t good what he did, but he’s sorry.  He needs medication.

Not a single person, other than myself, looked at him and called him out.  Not one person actually stood up to him, except me.     

It has been enlightening to say the least, to realize every single person I’ve discussed abusive situations with has given ways to change PersonX.

Ex:   “I’d try to get them alone to tell them I could help them if they leave the abuser.”

“Abuser has a (…) problem.  PersonX needs to be more understanding.  I mean get away, but then they need to worry about themselves, not Abuser.  Good riddance, they can deal with themselves”

“If you just tell them to leave, they say ‘it’s only one time’, or ‘Abuser loves me’.  You have to give them little examples how to leave without really saying they need to.”

“I don’t understand why PersonX would go back after that.  PersonX needs to get their head examined.”

Not a single person suggested that the Abuser needs to change. 

The Abuser straight up thought, “Hey PersonX looks (insert adjective of choice ie, lonely, sad, etc.).  If I make them a little less (adjective) they’ll take any shit I dish out.”  “If you feel bad, I want to make you feel worse.”  “And I’m going to make you and everyone else think it’s your fault.”

And everybody else thinks, “PersonX should’ve made themselves look less like a victim.”

This is what abusers do.  They work the whole scenario from the beginning.  From the initial lure to the end, everything and everyone in their environment is part of the set up to get off scott-free.

Our True Colors

I think we are so entrenched, as a general population, in generations upon generations of dysfunctional families, war torn memories, secrets, and lies that we don’t even know how to see the first red flags anymore.  Abusers have done such a trick on the mainstream psyche that when we finally see the red flags, we all point fingers at the victims.

But how can we stop the abuse from happening if we start at the end?

What do you think? 

As you’ve heard/ read my and other stories, how many times have you asked the ‘questions of change’ to the victim rather than the abuser? 

How can we change that scenario?  How can we really stop abuse if we don’t change it?

 

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