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In pursuit of my Dreams

13 Jun

Dreams have pushed me forward for a long time, most of my life even; dreams for my children, dreams for my future.  Without even understanding how to let my dreams drive my life, I instinctively pushed towards them.   In fact I created a painting about 22 years ago.  I named it Draw Your Dreams in Pencil.    The saying I created to go with it is, “Draw your dreams in pencil, make good thick outlines, but be willing to add in, erase, and give depth to those dreams.  Draw them in black and white and let life give them their color.”

I’ve been redrawing, repainting this same theme for 22 years.  While talking with a tourist this morning, I absently drew this.

Looking at it, studying it and reflecting on it after they left, prompted this blog.

It’s when I let go of my dreams that I lose focus.  When I let the pencil of my creation be held by someone else, or quit looking to my dreams for guidance, that’s when I find myself unsure of my future.   Though I’ve been intent on my dream of traveling and educating, I’ve been losing focus lately.  I haven’t been following through with the specifics I’ve researched and know I need to do.  I am questioning why, how have I let myself slide?  And then it dawned on me.   I’ve been letting others be in charge of my future again.

I’m being told I am selfish, exclusionary in pursuing my dreams.  Normally that wouldn’t be a problem.  People tell me I can’t all the time, I do it anyway.  But for whatever reason, I’m trying to find ways to make my pursuit be acceptable to the guidelines of others instead of just reaching for it.

Am I selfish to want to follow my dreams?  Is it ‘excluding’ to pursue a dream that will evolve with or without someone else, hoping they want it to, but not willing to give it up if they don’t?   It would kill my soul not to follow through with this, to compromise.  Does that self-preservation make me selfish, exclusionary?  Maybe it does.   And, frankly I’m ok with that.

It is not a selfish dream.  My dream to travel has evolved, developed and entwined with another one of my dreams: to find a better way to educate our children.  I am in full pursuit of my dreams.  I won’t tempt destiny with the craziness of “Bring it on”, but I will go knowing that I am perfectly accepting of having to struggle for a while longer in order to make a difference in the long run.

What’s strange is that while I’ve been trying to figure out how to fit the needs of others onto my canvas, I have been scared, unsure, and unable to see how to get to the next step.    The powers that be have opened the door now that I’ve quit trying to negotiate, coordinate, and otherwise bargain with my dreams.

I feel quietly enlightened like some patch of clouds moved out of the way and I found a little patch of sunshine.

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