Life is not perfect

05 Aug

A lot of life changes have been happening and will continue for the next few months.  It is amazing how having a goal will keep a sense of calm that otherwise would have these changes wreaking havoc on me.  All the thoughts that normally send me over the edge and wondering “how am I going to handle this thing?”, have been minimal, fleeting; still powerful in their moment, but easily removed.  Why, because I know that I am doing the right thing, for the right reasons, at the right time. 

I have most definitely had my breakdown moments, don’t get me wrong.  It is impossible to go through these kinds of changes without them.  I went through 4 years of constant pressure to get good grades, raise my kids, keep a relationship together, and try not to lose sight of my goals through it all.  Now that I’ve finished school, I am in complete upheaval as the relationship ends and my adult children and I realize that they don’t need raising anymore (except David, a little bit).  They and I have to change how we interact.  AND in order to keep that Goal, I am leaving the country, my children, my stuff and my life as I know it.  I am entitled to a breakdown or two.  But they have been so much more bearable than they would have been without having a goal, a plan.

Moving across town has proven to be one of the most challenging and perfect events of my year.  It is truly making me downsize the way I need to.  I needed to find a neutral space to go through the experience of putting all of my life, the items from when my children were babies, the mementos of my life thus far, the knowledge, and the papers that I cannot take with me into as few boxes as possible.  I am able to release the stuff that is attached to my memories.  It has taken the relocation to get to this point.  It has taken a good friend too, thanks Jamie.

Being able to let go of items that I have specifically been collecting to start my own classroom has been bittersweet.  I know that by the time I get back from overseas I will have a new way to look at teaching, new items to start my classroom.  I know that the classrooms I have donated/ sold items to will be wonderful classrooms.  My fellow graduates are great teachers and I am glad to have helped a little bit with creating a good setting.  But I have noticed this tinge of jealousy as I see my peers starting their new classrooms, decorating, and creating lesson plans.  I want to be doing that too.  It doesn’t make a lot of sense I guess, however I find myself feeling a little jealous that they are starting already and I am waiting to start still.  Thus the bittersweet.

                Yesterday I ran up and down the stairs 20 times in a row, on purpose.  I went to an information session for a Language Assistant program in Spain, and my friend Ed took some of my boxes to store for me.

Thank you Ed, you are a godsend.  I know you will be as good a “grampa” as you have been a dad, and THAT says a lot.  You’re the best dad I know.

I decided to donate all my Pirate party stuff and costumes.  They will fare better at a theater than they will in storage.  I unpacked 3 suitcases, 2 laundry baskets, and 5 cubbies of stuff and condensed them down to one drawer, 2 cubbies, and 1 suitcase of stuff.  I ate brownies and watched a movie after helping clean carpets.  It was a tough but good day.

I will try to keep these as upbeat as possible, but this is the blog of my life and life is not perfect.Image


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