Things 7 through12 of 2012

13 Jan

I’ve been thinking long and hard about what things really changed me or helped me or stopped me.  Here is the 2nd set of 6 of 12 things I learned in 2012.

7. Language may change, culture may change, style may change, but wherever you are humans really don’t.

Babies still cry when they want something, toddlers still want toys, school children still hate homework, teenagers still rebel to create their own space, new grown ups still walk the line between wanting to be a kid and dealing with the realities of adulthood, and old grown up still look at the youth with longing, pity, and hope.   Humanity remains no matter the location.

8. I had to begin accepting myself for who I am and that began with remembering that I am not set in stone but what has been carved so far cannot be changed.

Who I Was has great influence over Who I Am but almost none over Who I Become unless Who I Am chooses that to be so.  By accepting Who I Am, with all of my flaws and fabulousness, I have the power to choose what I do, what I learn, and Who I Become.  I choose happiness, I choose the light over the dark, I choose positivity and I choose to try and remember all that I have suppressed.

Those things, those parts of my life that I put into little boxes and have been storing on little shelves in my brain vault, are still influencing my life. I can only choose how they affect me if I can look at them out in the daylight.  I am strong enough, I have enough tools to bring my hidden boxes out of hiding and see what’s inside them.  Who I Become will be a force to be reckoned with.

9.  In order to find my own voice I have begun learning how to be silent.

I’m still learning how effective silence can be, but I have begun to understand that “being in the moment” is a quiet mental process not a need to “make the most of every second like it’s the last second”.

I have goals and plans and desires, but I keep getting in my own way by cluttering the path with mental noise and emotional crack.  I am learning how to create silence inside.  Thank you 2012 for giving me that awareness.

10. Learning a language is fracking tough.

But each time I try it gets a little easier.  Each new set of sounds and meanings make learning the next set a little easier.  The human mind is an amazing thing.

11. Parenting doesn’t ever get easier. 

I don’t know how to do it all right I suppose, but I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job.  I would consider myself a very good parent.  I still screw stuff  up on a regular basis though. I don’t say the right thing, or react the right way.  I ask them to be too grown up, ask them to let me leave.

They’re adults now, and yet still they need me to be mom.  I am here in Taiwan, and it is not easy for them to be without mom.

They will grow and this will stretch them, they will have the chance to be better than ever, every day.  Though this was the right choice, it is hard to be away.  It’s not any easier to let go than it is to hold on.

12.  I am too easily swayed from myself.

This is my biggest, most obvious truth I’ve learned.  I stray from my true self.  I forget to keep watch of where I am at while looking back or at where I want to go.  I’ve heard that you have to be where you are, don’t look back, don’t look ahead.  I don’t believe that.  I think I need to try to keep all 3 places in view.

When I dream, the movements I make are those I am physically able to make when I am awake.  Even when I fly or swim in my dreams I picture myself in movements that I have experienced.  I’ve jumped on a trampoline, I know what it feels like to fly for just a second.  So my brain takes that feeling and extends it indefinitely while I am sleeping. But I can imagine it because I’ve experienced the sensation.

Whenever I try to imagine looking at my past, my present, and my possible futures, I keep finding myself feeling stuck because I picture looking in mirrors or turning my head or some other way of looking at separate things.  This year I began realizing that I need to “see” that all three are one and the same.

I stray from myself because I get caught up at looking at one or the other, the past, the present, the future.  I step out of me almost as I try to figure out how to knot them together.  But they are already together, my problem is that I keep separating them.

I am swayed by others because I give too much control of my here and now to them as I try to figure out my past and future.  I forget to listen to my own voice.  Sometimes I choose not to listen to my own voice because I am scared that I will be the one responsible for the mistakes that could happen.  But, I am still responsible for those mistakes and also for the burden I put on someone else to make the decision for me.

In 2013, I will strive to be true to myself, to look at myself as an ongoing creation that is who it is and has only greatness to look forward to.

I challenge each of you to do the same.



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