Not every day is a good day.

23 Feb

Maybe because it’s that 4 month mark.

Maybe because I still haven’t learned enough conversational Chinese to be able to order a simple bubble tea.

Maybe because I, for the first time in my life, don’t have anyone to talk to for the hours when I get off work until the hours I go to work.

Maybe because I don’t want to keep seeing abusive cycles.

Maybe because I just want to say that I’m feeling sad but I can’t tell anyone for real because I’m living the dream I’ve been planning for most of my life.

Maybe because I miss my kids and making breakfast and asking them how things went at school and hysterical giggle fits as we come up with the dumbest stuff.

Maybe because I look outside and see so many places I want to go and yet I feel glued to this room because I’m scared of something happening and not being able to communicate.

Maybe because I realize that I have so many worries piled up in my head that I can’t concentrate on the important things that will help me get out there and do what I want.

Maybe because of all these things, I’ve had a really crappy last 24 hours.

Not every day is a good day, and today hasn’t been one.

I wish I could just follow everyone’s advice and let it all roll.  Hell, my own advice.  I tell myself that.  But today it’s not working.

All I’m trying to do is just give voice to how I feel, right here, right now.  I’m not looking for anyone’s sympathy or having them tell me it will get better.  I know it will.  I am merely need to get it outside of my thought process.  Maybe these things won’t have as much power over me if I just call them out.


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