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A bit of a self binge and purge on relationships

30 Oct

Halloween2013Witchsm

zombieToday I went to school for day three of Halloween week, dressed in my third costume.

kitty

I seem to evoke the celebrity madness in the Taiwanese with my face painting.  They’ve gone mad about it and I have had no less than 50 pictures taken each day.   OK.  I can deal with that.

But for some reason, one comment provoked me…..

butterflyface

“Oh you’re so beautiful, you must make your boyfriend very happy!”.

This bugged me on multiple levels.  The first thought in my mind was, “I don’t think being pretty is the end all for making a boyfriend happy.”  That thought alone has driven many a woman crazy and the beauty/ fitness/ food industries to the bank.  It frustrates me that beauty has to be a deciding factor in whether or not you’re a good girlfriend.

Too many times my apparent “beauty” has brought terrible harm to me.  AND, it didn’t stop a husband from abusing me, a boyfriend to cheat endlessly on me, or any my other relationships to end.  It doesn’t mean a damn thing when it comes to a real relationship.  Period.

That, of course, took me to the next thought….. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

I wouldn’t mind one, but I don’t need one either.  Which started a whole wave of thoughts….

I like the freedom of going somewhere, reading or watching or listening to something and not needing to run my personal tastes by another person first.  If my room is a mess, I’m the only one that has to look at it.  If my room is clean, I don’t have someone asking, “Hey, have you seen my…?”  I’m not cleaning up after anyone and no one is cleaning up after me.  I don’t have to put the cap on my toothpaste if I don’t want to. I do, but, I don’t have to.  I can leave the door open to the bathroom and not care who might hear me fart or blow my nose.

I don’t have to worry about when or where I want to live next because I’m the only one in the decision.  I can’t tell you how frustrating it was to make plans with another person only to have them all fall through.  I can go where and when or stay as long as I want.

I don’t have to worry about jealousy and whether or not talking to this friend or that friend is going to cause a problem.  I don’t have to stress about sleeping any damn where I want to on the bed – it’s all mine.  I can wrap the covers around me, move the pillows all over, and get freaking comfortable.

BUT

There are a lot of things I would like about being in a relationship.  I would give up some of my freedom for good-night kisses, or someone to travel with, or someone to read in bed with, or cook with, or watch stupid tv shows with.

I would like the ability to reach over and touch someone I care about.  I would like laying in bed, putting my head on a shoulder and snuggling in, feeling safe and cared about as I fall asleep.  I would like secret glances and pillow talk.

I would like learning about the things that make another person happy and then doing them.  I would like having someone to care for and being cared for.

WHICH BOUNCED ME BACK to the previous list and the realization that I have become quite picky.  Post divorce my plan was to not fall into a rut of dating the same kind of person.  Not one guy I dated looked like, acted like, or loved like any of the others.  I’m pretty glad I did that.

I can honestly say that I have learned a lot about relationships and their many varied attributes because of it.  I know LOTS of women who date the same kind of guy over and over again and wonder why they always end the same way.   Each of mine started and ended very differently.  I’ve had quite a bit of self discovery through it all.

I’m pretty grounded and I have 5 men to thank for that.  I know, 5 whole relationships, that’s not so many these days considering I’ve been divorced for just over 11 years now.  My in-a-relationship year total adds up to 7 years, so I’ve been ‘single’ for four years out of 11.  I think that’s actually pretty good.

I’ve learned how to be confidently by myself.  I like me all by myself.

AND SO

I am now finding that I’m learning how to be picky.  Sort of.

I haven’t been as picky when meeting new men as I should be.  The pickin’s are rather slim around here.   Almost non-existent really.  I’m not a 20-something just out of college.  That makes the pickin barrel less full. I’m not finding the Taiwanese attractive in a relationship way.  The circle gets smaller yet.    You see where I have a tendency to be less picky than I should be.

I have gotten pretty good at noticing the signs of things I don’t want and removing myself.  AND, I have finally realized that I am absolutely worth the chase.

THE THINGS I WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP – not an inclusive or exhaustive list, just what’s coming to mind as I write this.

I want to be chased after.  I want someone who will take the time to text, call, or otherwise let me know that they are interested and have stayed interested.

They need to know that my children are amazing, not baggage.  They are adults that are creating extraordinary lives for themselves that I am joyfully able to watch them unfold into.  They are part of me.  I wouldn’t be who I am today if it wasn’t for them.  I don’t run their lives, they don’t run mine, but we are intricately entwined.

I am not just a mother; I am a woman.  A real, honest, vulnerable, strong, creative, classy, educated, experienced, easy-going, down-to-earth woman.  I cry, I get mad, I hurt, I take a lot of shit and try to spit out as many rainbows as I can.  I can brood but I laugh way more often.  I giggle, I joke, I sing off-key, I dance, and I enjoy life.  I learn and explore, take chances, and say yes more often than not.

I don’t have a daddy complex.  I don’t have many issues that I haven’t long ago worked out.  I have a lot of not so great stories, but they all come with life lessons and blessings.

I want to be cared for.  I’ve cared for every body in my life, all my life.  I have very rarely been cared for.  My next relationship needs to be with someone who will care for me.

If anything, I have a mommy complex.  I need someone willing to mommy me when needed.  I would say I’m pretty strong and able to take the day to day pretty damn well.  But once in a while, I just want to curl up and lay my head on someone’s lap and have no need to say anything at all because it’s just that comfortable.

I actually enjoying caring for people.  It makes me happy to make someone happy.  I feel good when I help someone feel better.  I want to give and I want to be given.

I want the Renaissance relationship.  I want romance, culture, arts, and experience.

I don’t think it’s asking too much.  I feel like men can sometimes take the easy way out and too terribly often it’s easy for a guy to say, “there’s other girls out there that will take me just like this.”  Because sadly, there are.  We women are so freakishly afraid that there aren’t any guys that will take us, that we give up the whole package while accepting only part in return.

I want to find someone that cares enough about themself and me that they keep the romance going, travels with me, inspires me, lives life to the fullest with me and accepts these same things from me.

I want someone that can disagree with me without needing to argue in anger.  Being with someone that always thinks the same way I do would get incredibly boring.

But disagreeing does not necessitate an anger based argument.  I’m down with arguing a point like lawyers do.  I actually like the learning process that happens when a thought out, rational argument is presented.  I like questioning my thoughts and seeing other points of view.

I will readily admit being wrong when the other side has shown me a new side that helps me see things differently.  I only know what I know right now, but that leaves a lot of not knowing out there.  I listen and take in and churn through what the other side presents.  I try to “walk in the other shoes”.  I want someone who will also do that.   So often angry arguments are really just someone not feeling heard and so they also quit listening.

Until that person comes along and realizes what an amazing catch I am, I am perfectly content to not have a boyfriend that thinks I’m awesome just because I’m pretty.

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