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I am not afraid…… of much

07 May

The bad stuff is easier to believeanigif_enhanced-buzz-6015-1389474753-18

The negative is a record that plays over and over again like this gif.

It repeats in our heads, in the background, in the forefront, all around us.

We’re taught from early on NOT to feel good about ourselves.  It’s stuck up, conceited, arrogant, narcissistic.  We have to see the bad and have the bad pointed out in order to be acceptable. We’re human after all.

Every direction we turn we hear don’t do that, don’t wear that, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t be yourself.  Be what every one else thinks you should be because you are not good enough as is.

Fear is instilled and leads our lives.

A while ago, but not too long ago in the grand scheme of things, I gave up religion.  I did not give up the idea of a higher something, but I gave up religion.  I gave up being afraid.  For me, religion is man-made, fear-based.  It began in fear of the unknown and continued in the fear of nonconformity.

Religion was perhaps necessary at its origins.  People needed a way to understand.  Leaders needed a way to manage people.  Ok, I get it.  But, for me, it is currently unnecessary and creates far more harm than good.  Faith is great.  Morals are great.  But the whole my god is better than your god, or lack of god, is a whole lot of bull$it.

I got tired of being afraid of everything.  I was afraid of not being good enough for anything.  If I don’t pray often enough, for the wrong things, too much.  I was afraid of whether  I went to church enough, was faithful enough, believed enough.

So I stopped being afraid.

I heard a quote about fear being the root of all negative emotions.  It resonated.  All of a sudden so much of my life was clearer.  I was angry, jealous, or judgmental about this thing or the other, but those emotions were based in my fear of inadequacy.  I was dependent, hurt, controlling, or tried to do everything for someone else, but it was all based in my fear of abandonment.  We yell because we’re afraid of not being heard.   We’re afraid of not being heard because we’re afraid we’re not worthy to be heard.  It’s just true, the negativity is based in fear.  I stopped just reacting and started trying to uncover the underlying fears.

I started just being me.  I started learning to like me.  I started, slowly, healing.  The less afraid of being myself I was, the better my life got.

I started facing my fears.

Am I inadequate?  I looked through as many ways as I could think of and nope.  I’m not.  Turns out I’m not only adequate, I’m generally more than.  I still have a few areas that I need more work, but generally speaking, yeah, I’m fine.

Am I going to be abandoned?  No.  I’m right here with me all the time and I like me.  If people come into my life and choose to leave, it’s their loss.  That’s not being conceited.  I’m not perfect, I am human, but I am also worth people’s time.  I do my best to be the best me I can be to everyone I know.  Therefore, quirks and all, I think it’s a loss not to be my friend.

Is it ok if I’m not heard?  Yep.  I will say what I feel.  I will be diplomatic as possible, but I won’t sugar coat anything.  I’m open about me and who I am.  And, just like I don’t always hear what others are saying, I won’t always be heard.  I won’t always be listened to.  The things I have to say are not always important to the people I’m saying them to.  End of story.  I am worthy of being heard, and if someone else chooses not to hear, it doesn’t devalue me.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

And then I found this quote.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  Marianne Williamson

 

TALK. ABOUT. LIFE. CHANGING.

I still have a few deep-rooted trees I need to dig up in my fear forest, but I’d give myself a 85% clear.  I know what they are, which helps a lot, I just haven’t gotten them out.

I was blessed enough to find my “mamma”.  With her help, with a lot of hard work, with a lot of therapy, some more hard work, and a bit of time, I have discovered that I really can shine.  I really am great.  I really can be exactly me and I’m awesome.

There’s so much less drama

I used to HATE that saying “nobody can make you feel bad”.  I used to think you have obviously not lived my life, because a lot of people have made me feel bad.  But through this fear understanding I finally realized it’s true.  t really is a choice.  I’ve had a lot of really crappy shit happen in my life.  A LOT.  But,

Who I am is because of how I choose to deal with it.

I WAS a victim for a long time.  I allowed myself to feel victimized.  I behaved like a victim.  I replayed those negative messages over and over and over and over again.

I had drama.  Oh did I have drama.

And then, I didn’t.

I stopped choosing to be a victim. I faced fears, I learned lessons.

I stopped choosing to be helpless.  I stopped choosing to feel hurt and started choosing to learn.  I stopped accepting blame for things that weren’t my issues.  I stopped taking on the guilt from other people’s actions.  I stopped putting blame on others for my actions.  I stopped giving my power over my actions to other people.  I stopped giving my power away to reactions.  I stopped living in past recordings of negativity.  I stopped the drama.

Am I perfect?  Hell no.  Do I always remember right away. Nope.  Do I have it all figured out?  Not at all.

 

But I have a lot more figured out than I used to.

 

I’m not afraid to be me. I’m not afraid to be alone.  I’m not afraid to travel the world.  I’m not afraid to be told I’m wrong.  I’m not afraid of new ideas.  I’m not afraid to experiment.  I’m not afraid to try.  I’m not afraid to let others be themselves.  I’m not afraid…..   of much.   (I’m still afraid of dogs, but not like I used to be)

What I am is hopeful.

Hopeful that I can help others stop living in fear.  Hopeful that I can lead a good life.  Hopeful that if I have a maker to meet, I will do it with a continued clean conscience.  Hopeful that my life will continue to get better and better.

And I think it will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One response to “I am not afraid…… of much

  1. mariflies

    30/09/2014 at 20:39

    Reblogged this on Mariflies's Blog and commented:

    This is still as true today as the day I first wrote it. I am still worthy. I am still whole. I am still perfectly happy with myself. I am no longer engaged, or even in a relationship, but I AM still an awesome person completely worthy of an awesome person, should they come along.

    Like

     

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