I really don’t know what happened. I don’t have any answers to the many questions I’m thinking. It doesn’t make any sense.
I was happily doing my own thing and somehow I got turned upside down by someone I understood, I cared about. Once we became more than friends, it was like all the madness of my life prior just disappeared. None of it mattered. I was me and he loved me exactly as I was. I was now happily in love, engaged, ready to take on everything because I felt so loved. He reassured me. He made arguments to the many ways he so obviously loved me more than I him. He took wonderful care of me.
We both knew his job and my job was going to keep us from seeing each other more than every other month or so. We made numerous plans for when I would go to Germany, he would come to Turkey, and we would meet somewhere else. I reassured him that with my understanding, having been married to a serviceman before, our being apart was not going to push us apart. I fully understood what it takes, I’ve done it before. His family background in teaching and my background in lasers made conversations about work easy and comfortable.
When we weren’t together we messaged and called every day. I was continuously wooed with “I love you, I miss you, I think about you always”. Every day. I felt so cared about and adored.
The internet was sketchy at his new work location but we still messaged every day. I still got words of love every day. Never a hint of anything else. Six days before the final day, I received another “I love you, I miss talking to you, don’t be sad I always think about you” message. He was to fly back to Germany two days later.
Then nothing, no contact. I spent the weekend in Istanbul spouting my concern not for “us” but for him. I knew he loved me and felt secure in that. I wasn’t even remotely worried that anything was wrong with us. I was worried something had happened at his work and he was stuck there. I was worried that something had happened on the way to the plane. I was worried something had happened to his phone.
I contacted his dad and his friend to make sure he was ok. It had been a week since I had heard from him and I needed to know he was ok.
Then he called.
And in a brief 5 minutes he told me we were over. With nothing more than “It’s not you, I need my own time, I don’t love you and there’s no chance to get back”, we were done.
I’m left here with an engagement ring, a plane ticket to Germany on my birthday, a lot of pictures and memories that had futures packed in them, a lot of unanswered questions, and a lot of pain.
I will keep saying I don’t love him until it’s finally true. I will keep my head up because I am worth more than this ending. I will not break because I am still me and I still love me. I will not hide from love in the future. I will not hide in a dark cave of misery though I have considered actually drowning myself in chocolate; just for the humor of it. A vat of chocolate syrup, just stick my head in until I have to breathe, then inhale chocolate sauce to my end. It sounds darkly funny to me right now. Ok, I’m not even close to suicidal so don’t get crazy mama. It’s just a funny thought right now.
But damn it I can’t stop crying and it’s starting to piss me off that my eyes hurt so much. It’s bad enough I hurt enough TO cry, do I really need to hurt Because I cry??? Will chocolate syrup stop my eyes from hurting??
I don’t know folks. I have no answer except that I will move on from this too.