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Victim Blaming, one of the worst parts of violence against women

21 Apr

I have arrived in Albuquerque.  I am home safe with my mama.

The craziness of Mozambique continued as two men attempted to mug me and take my purse as I walked back to the hostel from eating my last meal in Mozambique.

I discovered something interesting about myself in that moment.  No matter what those two men said or did, I fought for my purse and my safety.  I kicked and yelled and flagged down a passing motorcycle.  I kept all but one shoe.

Why couldn’t I fight when my former friend assaulted me?  I’m still working on that.  Part of it was because I knew he would feel even more validated in hurting me if I had fought back.  And part of me just couldn’t.

That is the part of me I am really struggling with and need to work through before I head back out into the world.

Mom and I are going to be doing a lot of energy work in the future for this.

When I had arrived in the US and was able to get internet again, I found that I had been tagged in a harsh victim blaming post by the husband of the couple that I have previously been thanking for their help-

Though I understand their desire for things to be like they were before all this happened, for the bliss of ignorance, their post really hurt me.  All of the times I had asked them what I owed them had been met with “nothing, this is what friends do”.  Telling them that my mom was sending money, they just needed to tell me how much, and they said none.

Now it is all being reneged because they don’t feel I should continue to press charges.

None of us had done much sleeping.  All of us were trying to continue doing what we needed to because life goes on.  But, I was slowly being outcasted by them.  All the ways they were “helping” me, they began to see in a negative way, because I wasn’t dropping the charges.

My belief is that it’s because I was the reminder that things weren’t normal any more.  I was the one living in their house, so I became the easy target for displacing all the frustrations of the situation.

The sad truth that seems to be missing in their argument, is that none of the need for their help would have been necessary had my “housemate” not been aggressive, abusive, and finally assaulted me.

None of my living with them, or need of translation help with the police, or any of the kindnesses they showed me would have been needed if it weren’t for his actions.

I didn’t do this.  I didn’t ask for any of this.  This is not my fault.

I desperately tried to be as little a burden on them as possible.  I began eating as little as possible.  I helped with the house and girls whenever they asked, and have still been met with this painful reminder that people will attack when your back is turned.

I can’t blame them.  It’s human nature to want things to be “normal”.  It’s normal for people to take the path of least resistance.  I left, I’m not volatile. He’s still living there, they are still living there. I’m the least resistant path to displace the frustration.

Victim blaming is just as much a part of the abuser cycle as the abuse is.  It’s what happens when those around don’t want to think about it anymore.

I just didn’t expect it from them, so it hurts more.

Please, all of you out there, don’t revictimize by displacing blame.  It makes it so much harder to follow through.  So much harder to fight the good fight when you feel isolated and alone.

So much easier for abusers to feel empowered.

Now I am being labeled as a “psycho” by them for continuing to believe that justice needs to be served. He’s not a psycho for having assaulted me, I am for pursuing charges.  He doesn’t need consequences that will follow him so that others will be protected in the future.   Because in their eyes, I should let it all go, on his word that he will get help. I am the one who behaved wrongly by continuing the process.

And he is taking all this in.  Realizing he’s gotten away with it, for the time being, again.  He is being empowered by their actions.  And they don’t even realize it.

I surely wish that this will never happen to them or their daughters. I can only hope that no-one in their family goes through what I have, but if they do, I hope even more that their friends don’t do this to them afterward.

This is one of the worst parts of violence against women……

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4 responses to “Victim Blaming, one of the worst parts of violence against women

  1. Edna

    21/04/2015 at 05:04

    SO sorry to hear about everything that has happened to you. Glad you are safe in Albuquerque. You have incredible strength and fight in you, sending good thoughts your way as you continue to fight!

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Ms McKahsum

      21/04/2015 at 05:11

      Edna, you are always an inspiration to me. Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot to me.

      Like

       
  2. Valerie

    21/04/2015 at 11:22

    Mari;

    I am so overjoyed that you are back home. This is where you belong until you can get some of the past hurtful images put way back in your memory bank. Please e-mail me when you feel like going to lunch. Sorry that you are suffering an unpleasant situation from a “friend”. What’s the point of people giving a helping hand with lots of “strings” attached???
    Continue to keep the faith. Be well and happy. God bless.

    Valerie

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • Ms McKahsum

      04/05/2015 at 10:52

      Hi Valerie,
      Thank you so much for your kindness. I truly appreciate the outpouring of love from my true friends! I will email you soon!

      Like

       

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