A friend of a friend posted this video on their facebook page, notating how funny it was, and wasn’t so-and-so glad that she wasn’t their girlfriend.
And herein lies a blunt reminder of how easy it is for everyone to look at a situation and let abusers off the hook with a chuckle. This is victim shaming.
Basically, a bikini clad woman is hitting and kicking at the door of a truck, in a parking garage, and yelling for her boyfriend to let her into the truck.
The comments basically refer to her as being crazy.
Is she really crazy? No, she’s been set up by a crazy-making abuser.
One of the blogs I read, betternotbroken, has written several blogs about crazy makers, ie abusers that set things up to make the victim feel crazy and look crazy to others. You should check her blog out out. Currently my tablet will not let me get the specific blog urls, so I don’t know how to get them on here….. Sometimes technology drives me crazy. And I don’t know how all this blog exchanging stuff works.
This video and it’s responses are victim shaming, victim blaming.
Why would she behave that way? If she were in a rational relationship, she probably wouldn’t. But she’s not. She’s in an abusive relationship and probably doesn’t even understand that she is.
That’s part of what I’m researching, the signs we don’t see, the signs we’re actively taught not to see.
It’s part of why I left Turkey. So many signs I had learned to see as an adult getting out of abusive relationships, were everywhere. And I could see how the children were actively being taught not to see abuse for what it is. And there wasn’t anything I could do about it there. And I cannot sit idly by when I do know.
But I don’t always know. I only know what I know, and there’s still so much more to know out there.
I knew in Mozambique, but not until after I got there. And then, it was too late. I didn’t know the signs to look for beforehand. I know the signs of during, but now I have to learn the set up signs.
Let’s look at this situation a little deeper. Can we see how this situation was actually set up by the abuser?
First, there’s money. Many abusers use money to control and manipulate their victims. They reel victims in with money, promises of everything they want.
What is she wearing? A bikini, but no Target special bikini, no, that’s a pretty expensive looking two piece she’s wearing, along with what look like some pretty fancy heeled sandals, gold bangle bracelets, and she’s wearing a wristband for a pool party.
Dude is not driving a POS either.
Where are they? In a parking garage. More than likely at a high-star hotel.
There’s money getting flaunted all over in this video.
But it’s not her money. And that is clear too.
Where is she? She is outside the truck, while he is inside. She is banging on the passenger side door. If that were her money, her truck, she’d be pounding on the driver’s side.
She has nothing with her, no phone, no towel, nothing but her swimsuit and shoes.
In. a. parking garage.
Clearly they had to drive there.
Think about where she is at in her head. She’s at a fancy hotel, in a bikini, far enough from home to have to drive, no money, no phone. What choice does she have except to get in the truck?
Yep, you and I, sitting on the outside of the situation can come up with a couple half way decent ideas. I can’t think of any that don’t hold some amount of humiliation in them though. And, she’s not outside the situation, she’s in it.
And keep looking. Halfway through, while she’s at the front of the truck, he reaches over, opens the door, and then shuts it again just as she gets to the door.
He is taunting her, baiting her, making sure she makes a scene. Who sees him? Nobody. What’s he doing? Just sitting there.
But he’s not just sitting there. He’s purposefully sitting there crazy-making. How many times had he opened the door like that before we happen to catch video? What else had he done?
She wasn’t prepared to have left the pool area or she would have had her things with her. If he didn’t have her things in the truck with him, she’d be going back to get them. The sunscreen prints on the window are thick, like she had been putting sunscreen on when this all went down. If it had been put on a while earlier, her towel, the pool, her drink cup, etc, would have made those smears much thinner. He has to reach over things in order to open the door.
He is sitting inside the truck, having taken her things, making sure she has nothing, but his decision to let her in, or not.
He’s baiting her, and watching it all unfold exactly as he planned. He is abusing her in public and getting the public to see her as crazy, instead of him as an abuser.
I’ve been to a pool party or two. My guess, and I know it is purely a guess, but a guess based on the situation we see in the video and situations I’ve witnessed before, is that she was going along, doing pool party stuff, and Abuser, being the ever jealous people they are, got in his head that she was being too flirtatious or someone else was trying to flirt with her, so he grabbed up everything and gave her the ever useful break-up type speech, before leaving with just enough people having witnessed without causing too much of a scene where he could be proven wrong.
It’s all control and manipulation. In their heads they figure out how to twist a situation so that the victim feels like the abuser’s behavior is A, acceptable, B, the victim’s fault, and C, avoidable. Which of course, it is none of those.
This girl was purposefully put into a situation where no matter what she does, she’s victimized.
How would you feel having to go to the hotel front desk, in nothing but a little bikini, to try and call someone to come get you? Hoping you know their number, because who does anymore? You can’t call a cab, you have no purse or money. You can’t walk down the street in your bathing suit to try and get home. You’re a girl. And he’s going to sit in that truck, uncaring, until you make enough of a scene that he can blame the whole thing on you. What would you be doing?
I would go back to the pool party and let him go, but that’s because I have learned since the days when I was in my abusive marriage.
She doesn’t look drunk, just tipsy. What she looks like is pissed, defeated, and desperate, but seriously, who wouldn’t be? At one point someone tells her to quit banging on the truck, she even says, “No I just need him to open the door.” She just wants her stuff.
He’s keeping her things hostage in order to keep her hostage and make her look crazy, in order to make her feel crazy, in order to keep her under his control. She’s got people watching her, video taping her, and all the while she’s trying to get her stuff and figure out -how the hell this happened, -why he is behaving the way he is, -what she did that set him off, and -why he won’t just open the damn door.
Why aren’t any of the comments on this video telling this guy what a jackass he is? Why do people think it’s so damn funny to see a girl locked out of a truck with nothing but what she’s wearing? Why is it so funny to see him taunt her? Why is abuse funny?
And how on earth is it ok that no one went to help her and the situation?
It’s ok to video her being locked out of the truck, but it’s not ok to go up to her and ask, “are you alright?” and say to the guy, “hey man, just give her her things and call it good.” It’s ok to tell her to quit hitting the truck, but not ok to tell the guy to stop being an ass and just give her things to her? How is it ok, to video his taunting, baiting, powerplay and not go help her, but instead post it for the world to see?
I mean for craps sake it’s listed under ENTERTAINMENT. Are you kidding me?
Why are we so ready to tell the victim they are wrong instead of telling the abusers they are?
Dude in the truck, You are an asshole. You are an abusive asshole. You are the one who looks stupid here.
If you were the least bit concerned about your girl, you’d have let her in. If you were slightly concerned about your truck, you would have given the girl her things and let her go on her way. You didn’t care about either. You cared about having the upper hand. You caused this whole situation by being an asshole. She doesn’t look crazy, you look like an asshole.
To the girl, I am sure there are many things you like about that guy. You wouldn’t be with him if there weren’t. He’s got his loveable moments. But he’s abusing you. And the mere fact that you are a human being, means you deserve better than that. It might be difficult, but there are places to help you. Get away from him, if you haven’t already. If he has ever struck you in any way, press charges. This video proves his abuse, not that you are crazy. Use it, get a domestic violence advocate from the court. You are worth so much more than the best this guy can offer you.
What looks sadly apparent as abuse to those who have not been abused, looks normal to those of us who have been. We don’t realize, that they are working so hard to convince us that it will look bad for us, because they know the opposite is true. They have to convince us so they don’t get caught. They pick us because they know we are blind to it.
To all of us, try to see the signs, the silent signs that show abusers for what they are. Help people when they are in need.
Not all abusers are men, not all abused are women. But all victims need you to stand up for them. They wouldn’t be victims if they knew how to stand up for themselves.
All abusers need you to call them out. They may not even realize all that they do. But if you recognize that someone is being an abuser, do and say something to help the victim.
In Mozambique, I thought that one of the women I knew was being abused. I did a double check to make sure, and she wasn’t. But I was ready to stand up for her. We need to stand up against abuse.
All of us need to be good humans to each other.
What have you seen? What signs do you see now, that you didn’t realize beofore? How have you helped? What would you do different?
If you are in a great relationship, what signs did you know to avoid in others? If you’ve gotten out of a bad relationship, what signs do you wish you would have seen at the start?
What are your red flags?