I, to the dismay of a few people, spent my New Year Eve in my apartment, in meditation. As many of you know, I have had my share of demons these last 2 years. As the weeks coming into the close of 2016 began, I felt myself begin to turn inward.
There were moments these last three weeks when I felt almost outside myself, looking at myself begin to fold in on myself as the year-end approached. But, whereas in other times that would scare me, there was no negativity in this turning inward. I sensed nothing negative or bad about it, just a simple realization that it was happening. And, the realization that I needed to heed the call to heal myself so that I could emerge on the other side of this in a good place.
And so, I sent out my request to be left alone for the evening, and began to prepare myself for whatever was going to happen.
One very, very good thing that came from 2016 is the reassurance that when I leave myself open to the possibilities Spirit can bring me, no matter the challenges, great things are part of the package. It is only when I close myself, believe that I know what is supposed to happen next, that the challenge is only a challenge, none of the greatness gets to come along. Essentially I block my own ability to progress. I stay stagnate in the challenge every time I say, “but if I do this, that is supposed to happen”, “I want this thing”, “.
Also, the old adage, “You made your bed, now lie in it”, Yeah, that one can go screw itself. It is nothing more than a progress blocking saying. You can’t learn from that place.
Some would try to say that the saying is about consequences, but in truth that saying is dictating remaining in an unlearned and harming place as a punishment. AND I SAY NO WAY. I will rip the sheets of that bed, I will over turn that bed, and I may very well burn that bed. I will learn my lesson of how not to get put in that position to begin with, but I will not just bow my head to the whatever gets dealt out because that bed got made to begin with. The lesson is the important part. I will learn the lesson and move on.
Being open to the possibilities of my dreams does not mean there won’t be challenges, of course there will be. I will make mistakes along the way, no doubt. I will learn the lessons as I go and become stronger for them. But the challenges have a different ring when they are part of the progress towards the goal, than when they are consequences based on a bad choice or someone else’s abuse. I spent this New Year’s Eve releasing the negativity from my challenges, while keeping the lessons learned, so I don’t need to repeat a lesson.
Recently, someone said, “You keep bringing up things from the past.” I thought about that last night.
On one hand, there is the forgive and forget idea. And I agree, if I, or anyone, is bringing up past events as a “punishment” or a reminder with a negative connotation, that is not ok. I need to watch myself, to see if that is what I am doing at the time. It certainly could be, and if that has been true, I offer my sincerest apologies.
BUT, and for me this is a big but, if I am bringing “it” up as a positive reminder of a lesson learned that I do not want to repeat; if the past event is an action I have to base how I will decide to react to ‘this’ event about to happen, then it is not a punishment to them, or a negative moment I am dwelling on. It means I am trying to make a decision on how to proceed, and based on what I know to have happened before, I want to know if there is a conscious choice happening for things to go differently. It is only by confronting the choice that we can make a conscious one.
I spent some of my meditation time releasing ties to those who have hurt me, and those I have hurt. I also allowed myself to heal from those pains. It’s an ongoing process, but it has to be a conscious process. Emotional wounds dig deep inside, the mind plays them over and over. Some of them have been playing for so long, there are Grand Canyons that I need to heal inside. That doesn’t happen overnight.
I was given a vision of what happens to our pain as we release it. I’ve been afraid to release; I felt that I didn’t want to put the pain into circulation. I was afraid that if I released it from me, the pain would go to someone else. My vision was the most healing part of my night, it brought an understanding that Spirit is truly magnificent and that energy is always positive until intended to be negative. When released in a neutral or positive way, it will always return to a positive state.
My intentions going into this new year are for an increased openness. I will be open to all the positive, no matter the challenges that brings to overcome. I will be open to healing myself and others. I will be open to whatever Spirit brings me. And I will be open to becoming what I am meant to be.
I have a great dream. A dream that is part something I have been dreaming of most of my life, and part something that I have recently acquired. There is a long way to go to accomplish it, a lot of work I need to do. There will be challenges along the way, and there may be direction changes I am not aware of yet. But isn’t that a wonderful thing? To know that if you are open, there are even better than you could dream of things yet to happen?
There is a saying that I really don’t like, “F@!$ my life”. Guys, I have been through some astonishingly sick things, things that many people could not have gone through; yet, I will not say “F@!$ my life”, I will not. My life is good.
I have so many larger blessings. I have great children. I have great friends. I have family that tries to keep me part as I heal. (Progress can be heart-breakingly slow, I know.) I have a career I love. I have been traveling around the world for the last 4 years and seeing so much.
None of my life that is negative, has stopped the blessings from coming. I have a good life.
This was my “guide” as I began my evening. I wrote this in contemplation. I believe I made the best choice for myself and in turn for those that I influence in whatever way.
May everyone’s 2017 be one of openness, of love, and of greatness.