Another April has come and is now over. Today is the last of the anniversary’s that destroy my April’s every year.
I’m taking a lesson from Meredith Grey and dancing it out tonight. I’m drinking a beer. And I simply do not care what I look like to any body that can see me from anywhere. My brother is with me, he helps me live through this day every year.
These April’s are also my moments to remember that I have survived, I have lived, I have had much pleasure with my pain. I have enjoyed, I have been enlightened, and I have grown. They bring memories, these April’s, memories that start painful, horrible. My body remembers and I am in pain all over again. Does anyone else out there do that? Does your physical body actually hurt Years later? I don’t know, but that’s what mine does. I work through it all year, in one way or another, but then it comes out again each anniversary. Then I push through it, again. I grow some more. I learn some more.
I have been afraid to live again after this last time. I was so alive and then brought so close to death. How do I settle these? This Libra soul of mine that wants balance gets thrown for a loop every April. This last two years has been tough. But then the beautiful positive moments come rushing in as well, as this day ends. My travels, my global friends, the amazing sights I’ve seen, this is truly a beautiful world. They bring me back to center.
There are the evils that reside in this world, but they will not take me down. I have a (possibly faulted) sense of unsinkable optimism. Once I was talking with a new friend and I described it like this, “It’s like I’m at the top of a mountain singing about the beautiful universe, and then I get knocked down. So I stand on the top of the roof and shout, ‘look at that beautiful moon’. Then I get knocked down. I place my feet firmly on the ground and say, ‘what a beautiful sky’. Then I get knocked down and with my head in the mud, I whisper, ‘those are beautiful clouds don’t you think?'” Sometimes, too much lately, I recognize that they are rain clouds, but still….. “I” can’t even kill the optimism in me, I don’t know how anything else is going to if I can’t. (That’s not a dare! Merely an observation.)
SO many of the blessings I’ve been asking for have come to fruition this last month, fashioned out of thin air, and then given to me. Just as I felt I couldn’t hold on, good things happened. I love my new job, even with all the new things to learn and do. I love my new apartment. I love this new country and all my new Albania friends, along with my friends from around the world that are here too.
I am grateful today is over. I’m glad this April is over. I am glad I am here and growing and doing this life thing the best I can. I decided that I’m going to take 30 minutes every day with my students, and we are going to learn a dance. A fun, silly, slightly awesome dance for the Talent Show I am organizing at school. Not because they think it’s a good idea, but because I need a reason to make myself get up and dance every day, be silly every day in a way that makes sense to me. I need to start taking time to give what I have instead of trying so hard to give what everyone demands whether or not I have it. I think that will help with how overwhelmed I’ve felt lately. And I think they need the down time as well, *and I might be able to tie it in to ‘exploring’ dance???? Maybe… I’m still learning the twists of PYP haha.
Ok, the next awesome song is on and I’m not done dancing it out yet. Good night my lovelies, peace and joy to you all.