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Category Archives: shed your past

Sometimes, it’s the little things

Sitting at a cafe, trying to stay warm, I think about all kinds of stuff.
One thing I’m thinking of today… Before I left the States, someone said, “I hope you find what you’re looking for out there.”

It’s weird.  Maybe, I’m weird.  But, I’m not looking for anything out here, except what is out here.  I just want to be part of the world.

It’s weird, I suppose, because I have met quite a few expats running from things, running to things, looking for something or someone, trying to forget someone or something.  But, I’m not.  I didn’t set out here to find anything, not even myself.  I had already found myself before leaving the States the very first time.

I just want to see the world.  Plain and simple.  I didn’t know how I was going to do it, for a long time.  But, I’ve wanted to see the world since I was a little girl.  I dreamed of visiting sites I learned about in History classes or read about in magazines.  Traveling has been a dream for as long as I can remember.

And I finally found a viable way to do it.  A way that makes me happy.  A way that helps me feel like I’m contributing to the world I want to see and be part of.  Teaching.  I love teaching.  I love traveling.  Therefore, I completely love my life.

Are there people that don’t get it?  Sure.  Of course.  That’s ok.  They don’t have to get it.  It’s my life, and I completely get it, so they don’t need to.

There are a few who are worried for me.  Some that think I’m crazy.  There are even a few that are mad at me because I have chosen to live the way I’ve always wanted to.  Frankly, I say, that’s on them.

It’s the little, every day moments that I love out here.  It’s the smile on the barista’s face when she sees me because she gets to practice her English when I order.  It’s the drive through a little village and seeing the people driving a few head of cattle across the street with motorcycles and cars trying to go around.  It’s looking up at beautiful mountains dusted in snow.  It’s seeing a Chinese man walk across the street and feel pangs of missing a place I called home for a while.  It’s the little things that make me feel part of the Global community that keep me loving it so much.

I know a few people who have goals to see x amount of places before such and such a time, or step foot on every continent, or other really awesome goals.  My goal from day one, has been to teach around the world, so that I can be part of it.  I want to learn from it.

I am learning from the world.  I am teaching in the world.  I am being in the world.  I am happy.

Recently I’ve told a couple people a bit of my life stories.  It used to make me sad afterwards.  But one incredibly great thing that came from the ugliness of my time on Ilha, is that I can truly feel my own strength.  I have been through the baseness that mankind has to offer and not let it harden me.  I have learned how to be a better, stronger, kinder, more understanding and compassionate person because of what I’ve been through.  That’s apparently a lot more rare than I understood before.

I’m freaking proud of me.

One of my students asked me yesterday if there was anything I would change if I could go back in time.  I didn’t even hesitate to say no.  I like who I am and I wouldn’t be the me I am, if it weren’t for the things that shaped me into me.  So, no, I wouldn’t change anything.

Do I wish that I could have learned a few life lessons without the pain? Sure, but both are necessary to recognize either, so……  I’ll be happy just being the me I am, with the stories I have.

Mostly, I tell my stories in order to let it not hurt me any more.  But I also tell them because I hope other people can learn from them without having to actually experience them.  I started traveling again so soon because I didn’t want to let fear get the upper hand.  The longer I held off, the harder it was becoming to believe I could again.  SO, I told fear to fuck off.

And here I am.

Walking around a beautiful city every day.  Teaching amazing students from all over the world.  Working with supportive, caring people.  Making friends with other amazing teachers.  Sitting at cafe’s and pondering the little things that make my life happy.

My peace is tangible.  My joy surrounds me like a beautiful sparkly cloud of awesome.  I am happy just being out here in the world.  I’m not looking for anything; every day brings me something new to wonder at.

#Lovelife.  #Noregrets.  #TeachPeace.  #Notallwhowanderarelost

 

 

 

I ain’t no Humpty Dumpty; The snake’s skin

I ain’t no Humpty Dumpty;  The snake’s skin

Things are getting shook up around here and all for the better!!

I should be in Kazakhstan by the end of the month starting my new teaching position there.  I can’t even describe how excited I am!

Though I know most of these posts lately have been ominous and dreary, I promise on the other side of the screen some really positive things have been happening.

I started off my time in Montana quite concerned about finding my joy again.  I’ve always been able to find my joy, even when feeling down, but the more open my eyes have become to the abuses all around us, the more I ripped apart.  It felt like my soul was ripping apart. Finding joy was becoming difficult.

The blessings of my Shaman Path are many fold and one blessing was the realization, just when I needed it, that shedding my past, like a snake sheds her skin, is painful.  It takes work.  It doesn’t just fall off, it has to be removed.  It has to get pushed and split open and cm by cm pulled and worked off.

The ripping apart was a necessary part of the growth.  The falling off the wall was necessary.  The seeing was necessary.

But unlike Humpty Dumpty, this girl can get put back together again.  And how!

And I also realized, that my journey right now is not to find my joy, but to find my peace.  My joy is with me always, but I have not been able to feel my peace.

And that is what I’ve been working on.  Making peace, finding peace, learning peace, teaching peace.  Within my tranquility I feel my joy abundantly.  I just have to keep myself resolving into peace.

And – who knew?  I didn’t.  That ever crazy word that everyone wants and no one has, patience……  yeah, it’s not a single state, like happy.  It’s a multi-layered state, like peace.  Can I just tell you how much easier that has become once I realized there’s more than one part to it!

When you have patience, you’re overcoming anxiety and distrust.  When you have patience, you’re not looking for the instant gratification.  When you have patience, you are not letting the unknowns create fear.

I ask myself things like:  Are you afraid?  Are you anxious?  Are you looking for an immediate reward?  If I answer yes to any of those, then I examine whatever it is.  Patience is so much easier when you quell the storm that makes you impatient.  Game changer that one.

There is still much to be done, much to be written and much to be learned about the many ways we indulge abusers, don’t see abusers tests and warning flags, and re-victimize victims by blaming them.  But, I am in the works of creating my very own, paid for, hosted, and what ever other words I don’t even know yet because this is all really new to me website.  One where I can write my fun, travel, joyful, teachery blog posts on one part and the heavier, no one deserves violence, stop abusers blog posts in another part.  And a few other things I’ve been cooking up.

I know it’s been rough for those of you only wanting the read the fluffy stuff.  Trust me, it’s been hard to not have much fluffy stuff to write about.  I’ve had a harder time writing the good because I’ve been afraid of the good stopping if I wrote about it.  But, I’m learning.

As the snake sheds her skin, so too am I.  As the Phoenix rises from the ashes, so too am I.

I’m still a little, bitty, brand-new phoenix, but I’m dusting off the ashes and looking around.

baby_phoenix_by_annezca-d5mp3l5.png

Kazakhstan, I am ready to embrace you.  Let’s get ‘er done.

 

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