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Contemplation

I, to the dismay of a few people, spent my New Year Eve in my apartment, in meditation.  As many of you know, I have had my share of demons these last 2 years.   As the weeks coming into the close of 2016 began, I felt myself begin to turn inward.

There were moments these last three weeks when I felt almost outside myself, looking at myself begin to fold in on myself as the year-end approached.  But, whereas in other times that would scare me, there was no negativity in this turning inward.  I sensed nothing negative or bad about it, just a simple realization that it was happening.  And, the realization that I needed to heed the call to heal myself so that I could emerge on the other side of this in a good place.

And so, I sent out my request to be left alone for the evening, and began to prepare myself for whatever was going to happen.

One very, very good thing that came from 2016 is the reassurance that when I leave myself open to the possibilities Spirit can bring me, no matter the challenges, great things are part of the package.  It is only when I close myself, believe that I know what is supposed to happen next, that the challenge is only a challenge, none of the greatness gets to come along.  Essentially I block my own ability to progress.  I stay stagnate in the challenge every time I say,   “but if I do this, that is supposed to happen”, “I want this thing”, “.

Also, the old adage, “You made your bed, now lie in it”, Yeah, that one can go screw itself.  It is nothing more than a progress blocking saying.  You can’t learn from that place.

Some would try to say that the saying is about consequences, but in truth that saying is dictating remaining in an unlearned and harming place as a punishment.  AND I SAY NO WAY.  I will rip the sheets of that bed, I will over turn that bed, and I may very well burn that bed.  I will learn my lesson of how not to get put in that position to begin with, but I will not just bow my head to the whatever gets dealt out because that bed got made to begin with.  The lesson is the important part.  I will learn the lesson and move on.

Being open to the possibilities of my dreams does not mean there won’t be challenges, of course there will be.  I will make mistakes along the way, no doubt.  I will learn the lessons as I go and become stronger for them.  But the challenges have a different ring when they are part of the progress towards the goal, than when they are consequences based on a bad choice or someone else’s abuse.  I spent this New Year’s Eve releasing the negativity from my challenges, while keeping the lessons learned, so I don’t need to repeat a lesson.

Recently, someone said, “You keep bringing up things from the past.”  I thought about that last night.

On one hand, there is the forgive and forget idea.  And I agree, if I, or anyone, is bringing up past events as a “punishment” or a reminder with a negative connotation, that is not ok.  I need to watch myself, to see if that is what I am doing at the time.  It certainly could be, and if that has been true, I offer my sincerest apologies.

BUT, and for me this is a big but, if I am bringing “it” up as a positive reminder of a lesson learned that I do not want to repeat; if the past event is an action I have to base how I will decide to react to ‘this’ event about to happen, then it is not a punishment to them, or a negative moment I am dwelling on.  It means I am trying to make a decision on how to proceed, and based on what I know to have happened before, I want to know if there is a conscious choice happening for things to go differently.  It is only by confronting the choice that we can make a conscious one.

I spent some of my meditation time releasing ties to those who have hurt me, and those I have hurt.  I also allowed myself to heal from those pains.  It’s an ongoing process, but it has to be a conscious process.  Emotional wounds dig deep inside, the mind plays them over and over.  Some of them have been playing for so long, there are Grand Canyons that I need to heal inside.  That doesn’t happen overnight.

I was given a vision of what happens to our pain as we release it.  I’ve been afraid to release; I felt that I didn’t want to put the pain into circulation. I was afraid that if I released it from me, the pain would go to someone else.  My vision was the most healing part of my night, it brought an understanding that Spirit is truly magnificent and that energy  is always positive until intended to be negative.  When released in a neutral or positive way, it will always return to a positive state.

My intentions going into this new year are for an increased openness.  I will be open to all the positive, no matter the challenges that brings to overcome.  I will be open to healing myself and others.  I will be open to whatever Spirit brings me.  And I will be open to becoming what I am meant to be.

I have a great dream.  A dream that is part something I have been dreaming of most of my life, and part something that I have recently acquired.  There is a long way to go to accomplish it, a lot of work I need to do.  There will be challenges along the way, and there may be direction changes I am not aware of yet.  But isn’t that a wonderful thing?  To know that if you are open, there are even better than you could dream of things yet to happen?

There is a saying that I really don’t like, “F@!$ my life”.  Guys, I have been through some astonishingly sick things, things that many people could not have gone through; yet,  I will not say “F@!$ my life”, I will not.  My life is good.

I have so many larger blessings.  I have great children.  I have great friends.  I have family that tries to keep me part as I heal.  (Progress can be heart-breakingly slow, I know.)  I have a career I love.  I have been traveling around the world for the last 4 years and seeing so much.

None of my life that is negative, has stopped the blessings from coming.  I have a good life.

This was my “guide” as I began my evening.  I wrote this in contemplation.  I believe I made the best choice for myself and in turn for those that I influence in whatever way.

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May everyone’s 2017 be one of openness, of love, and of greatness.

 

 

2017

 

 
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Posted by on 01/01/2017 in living

 

The end of 2017

Though I mourn the loss of our many amazing entertainers this year, there is much to be grateful for.
My wonderful daughters marriage for one.



My son’s are both healthy and happy and becoming wonderful men. Watching these three blossom is a highlight of every year. I was greatly blessed with them.
Because of good friends, I am in a new and wonderful country, and good things are happening, despite a few set backs.

And right now the city is decorated and beautiful.

So to ring in the New Year, here are a few pictures of the city.

To all my family and friends, happiest of holidays to you, May your 2017 be fantastic. May you feel joy and gratitude. May you know how much I love you all.
Now

2017, be gentle, kind, and peaceful to us please.

 
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Posted by on 29/12/2016 in living

 

Just Puff

Eyes to Subconscious:  Hey, I see light…  what time is it?

Sub:  I’m not sure any more, I don’t even know where we are these days.

Eyes to Stomach: Dude, is it morning, afternoon, or evening out there?

Stomach:  I thought it was morning on the last plane, but then the stewardess brought chicken and asparagus, so I’m as lost as Sub up there.

Eyes:  I don’t know if I should let Conscious know to wake up…..

Left foot:  Hey we rolled the other way, I’m getting blood again, Conscious is about to wake up anyway!

Eyes:  Crap! Conscious is gonna be pissed it wasn’t me.  This is not good!  What am I gonna do???

Stomach:  Yup, Conscious is not going to like foot being the waker.

Eyes:  I know!!  What am I gonna do?!?!

Sub:  Puff up! Quick! I hear it confuses Conscious, she won’t know it wasn’t you!

Foot:  Here it is!  The needles are here!  OWWWWW!

Sub:  She’s waking up!!  Puff Up!!  Puff UP!!

 

Me, staring in the bathroom mirror 10 minutes after my foot and leg stop feeling like a million needles being pushed through it in rapid fire succession…..

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY EYES!!

Woah, I didn’t even know they were capable of swelling that much.

I’d be impressed if it didn’t hurt so much.

Airplanes suck the life out of me.

 

 

 

 
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Posted by on 15/11/2016 in living

 

We teach them more than 123

I try to be honest in everything I do.  I speak honestly. I work honestly.  I live honestly.

I’m not perfect, but I’m honest about that too. And I teach my students honesty, through example, as well as discussion.

I champion good treatment of everyone.  I make it a point to teach my students that being good to each other and ourselves is of extreme importance.

I champion integrity in my classes.

I champion being good to each other through word and deed.  My first class rule that students repeat almost every day is, “Our class is a safe place”. And I teach them that safe means Every form of safe, not just from hitting or blatant bullying; but from the words we use and the way we say them, and from the snickering bystanders too. Our class is safe from gossip, and talking about others when they’re not around, or in a language they don’t understand.

And I teach them that anytime we are at school, they are part of my class.

It’s that important to me.

We as teachers are helping raise the next generation.  They spend the majority of their waking hours in our classes.  We are responsible to teach them how to be good people along with good spellers and mathematicians.

I take that responsibility seriously.

And I’m not the only one.  Most teachers I know feel the same way.  When we discuss what’s right or wrong in our individual schools and school systems, it is always with the intent of finding and doing what is best to help these children be their best.

I love communicating with all my teacher friends across the globe as we compare and contrast the ways, but never the goal.  The goal, help raise great humans, is always understood.

I wouldn’t say it’s a thankless job.  I love getting my thank you’s from students and parents and the leaders at school.


When we’re appreciated for the countless hours we put in to give these students the best education we are capable of, that’s what keeps us going.

I teach for these little notes, the high fives, and the thank you’s from students; not for my paycheck.

Hearing, “come in, teach the book, go home, get paid” does not even compute in my book. I’ve heard it from 5 or 6 teachers as I’ve traveled the world.  If your goal is just to get paid, or not to put effort into understanding that parents are trusting you to be part of the village that raises their child, in belief that you are giving them all the tools to be good humans, if your goal is to go in, have students read from the book, and go home and forget these children exist until you have to be in class, please don’t be a teacher.

Teaching is more than 123 and ABC.  It is understanding we are more than babysitters, we are more than dispellers of information collected in a book.

We are working to shape how these next generations: interact with each other, create the habits that will help them thrive as adults, believe in themselves, feel about their ability to learn, interact with difference, with the world, and feel safe.

Children need to feel safe enough to learn. That is created through building a safe community amongst everyone at the school.

Honesty, integrity, safety, acceptance, balance, good will, and courage to explore new things, that is part of the 123ABC package.

We teach them so much more than just 123.

Teachers, yes you, go be awesome!

 
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Posted by on 22/10/2016 in living

 

It is interesting

Working for both a school and a news station….

 
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Posted by on 12/10/2016 in living

 

One more month

In a month I will head to the states for a wonderful reason, 

My daughters wedding. 

My beautiful baby girl is getting married to the man she has chosen to spend her life with.  How excited am I?? I will only get a week with her to celebrate in person.  But as always, I’m a mere phonecall, text, Skype, or email away. 

Technology is a wonderful blessing in this day and age.  I was able to witness a couple get married with all their family  “attending” via Skype.  People at the place were all holding various devices to make sure everyone could see all the events. 

That one had the most technology used, but I’ve seen plenty of life events attended via the Internet because of my travels.  

I’ve seen engagements with both sets of parents watching via Skype. 

A graduation with grandparents on FaceTime in her hand as she walked the line. 

My housemate got to see their new godson before he was even taken in to mom. Dad face timed and said, “hey here he is, isn’t he amazing, wanted to make sure you saw him”.

I’m so grateful for the people who help me keep in contact.  The people who are there for me, no matter where I  am. The people who send me positivity and help me keep going on. I’m grateful for the technology that makes it possible. 

I’m so grateful I get to go be at my daughter’s  wedding!!!! And don’t have to figure out how to see it through the Internet. 

I haven’t posted much of anything about going really because I don’t want to jinx it.  A few things have been trying to keep it from happening; but one by one I’m overcoming these little obstacles.  

Basically my attitude is, short of death, nothing will stop me.  The closer it gets, the more excited I get! 

One more month.  

I’ll be there Sweetpea. 

 
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Posted by on 07/10/2016 in living

 

My Silent Scream

I can’t express how much I admire the author off this blog and post. We all need to keep screaming until rape culture is not the norm. Until all of us “lesser than’s”, especially girls and women, don’t have to be afraid of being, of existing, of where and how we fit into society.

Drifting Through

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I’ve been screaming for most of my life. Ever since innocence was taken from me at a tender age. I’ve been screaming, but you haven’t heard me. This scream has been trapped behind a polite smile. This scream has been buried in the haze of blurry memories and life moving forward. It’s been lying in wait while I went about living what turned into a pretty happy life. But it’s always been there. I didn’t ask for this primal urge, it was gifted to me by a sick soul. Silently screaming for decades.

No more. I’ve written about my experience. I’ve purged and I’ve felt some release. I’ve spent years doing the work of healing and I’ve dealt with my demons. I’m good.

But sometimes? Sometimes I still want to scream out loud.

When I see rapists getting a paternal pat on the head from sympathetic judges, I want to…

View original post 1,339 more words

 
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Posted by on 02/09/2016 in living

 
 
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