Through a variety of ways, I have healed internally much faster than anticipated. Mostly, through determination to not stay stuck in a place of fear. However, there have been some other wonderful helps along the way. That is not to say I am through with the process. Hell no. But I’m farther along than I thought I would be right now. Much farther.
My journey through becoming a shaman is slower than I expected, but far more powerfully healing than I anticipated. It packs a punch and then I need time to process it all. But, I am. AND THAT IS AWESOME. I am reaching and stretching and seeing life in bigger and better ways. I am definitely more confident in my own abilities to trust my journey and its processes. I am more confident in my spiritual strength and ability to follow my own path no matter who says what about it.
I have had to stare down my childhood and many of the ways that my parents, but specifically my father at this point, primed me for abuse in my future, albeit mostly unknowingly. And I have had to work through the fear, very real and serious fear of confronting him about it. But I’ve done it. And he’s listened. And though it was incredibly scary, it has been equally freeing since.
I am sifting through the book of my life and placing bookmarks between the pages I need to work on. I am unfolding the page corners that I had dog-eared for quick reference; the stories I keep thinking back on, that keep me from growing. I am going back and making new notes on the memories to remind little me that we figured out that problem. And I am holding my book with newfound love, wrapped in my arms, against my chest; whereas before I held it at arms length, always afraid it would open to the wrong page when I wasn’t looking.
I am ready to travel and teach again. I am ready to meet new people and find more joy. I’m ready to start being me again. And it feels pretty damn good.
My research and discovery process is and has been enlightening to both the awareness that is already out there and to the still greater amount of awareness and education that is needed. I have discovered terms I had never heard of, yet know the details of intimately, like Gaslighting.
Unless you know the term, you can’t find it as a form of abuse. There’s no Google lookup for the individual terms within the forms of abuse, that I’ve found anyway. It takes looking through hundreds of other avenues to find the term, then start looking that up. I’m working on changing that. I’m collecting terms. In fact, if you know of any, please comment, I need the help.
Boy have I had my fair share of gaslighting! Look it up, you’ll be amazed, enlightened, and hopefully strengthened in your understanding of abuse, how to spot it and stop it. And I’m starting my own new term, Halfening, the victim-blaming coddling of an abuser for fear of repercussion, after those that did it to me.
I don’t like to think that I’m afraid of the unknown. I actually like heading off into some new adventure, not sure what to expect or how things will turn out, who I will meet along the way, but ready to find out.
However, the unknown of where and when my next adventure begins……. I am not liking this unknown at all. I actually pretty much hate the interim. It causes me panic and to make decisions too fast in order to at least be headed in a certain direction.
BUT HEY, I am in learning mode. So, even though I’ve had a couple different opportunities to just head into the crazy wild blue, I haven’t taken them. I’ve given more thought, I’ve taken more time. I am learning.
I’m still working through the fear of trusting myself. It is frustrating because I know that I made a fast decision to head off to Mozambique, but I also know that I was guided there. I trusted my guide and I am actually coming out of this far stronger than even I would have guessed. But, I am keenly aware that I was guided there to find out that I don’t know how to see the signs of abusers.
I asked for understanding of what happened with Sven. I thought I had figured out my confidence, my refusal to put up with abuse, my love of self. And then bam, confidence shaken. And on the heels of that, Willem Johannes Goosen, aka John Goosen, of South Africa, happened.
This lack of confidence is a layer of the thick blanket of victim blaming that we hold onto. It is both safe and suffocating. I need to trust my gut and the results of following my gut. Sven went against what my gut told me, but he worked until he convinced me. Mozambique was completely following my gut. Bad things happen no matter what. Great things happen no matter what.
During the time I thought Sven and I were moving forward, I was so happy. I was so in love. I had a great time, and I don’t regret one minute of it. People ask me if I ever think of revenge; plot for someone to beat him up or something. I don’t. Truthfully, the best revenge is that he lost me. I’m pretty awesome. Don’t abuse me, and I’m top freaking notch. That’s his loss not mine.
Mozambicans are wonderful people. The local people amazed me in so many ways. The scenery was wonderful and I am so grateful to have been to Africa. And because of what happened in Mozambique, I have learned what happened with Sven, and what happened with the ex-husband and the few other ex relationships along the way.
I need to trust my gut and press forward with the decisions I make based on my instinct, without fear. That blanket makes it safe to say, “if only”, “why didn’t I”, “I can’t”, “I shouldn’t”. Those things feel safe, like they will keep me safe, but bad things happen no matter what. Hiding from my path doesn’t keep me safe. Running into or away from, doesn’t guarantee safety.
Just like I keep telling my little step-neice, it’s ok to make mistakes, that’s how we learn.
GREAT THINGS HAPPEN NO MATTER WHAT
I need to stop worrying about safe and put my focus on non-abusive. I had a dream last night. I was swimming deep in the ocean with a group of whales. They kept coming over to me and then going up to get air. Somehow I was not needing to go get air, yet they kept insisting I should. After I did, they showed me where land was and so I went up.
Everywhere I walked there were snakes. They were mostly out in the open, yet all of them had only their head and part body showing, the rest curled up in their hiding places. A few were slinked back inside their hideout. There was a child with me, and we were walking together.
I was not afraid of the snakes, but I knew I couldn’t give them any energy/ acknowledgement/ attention or they would bite. I had to teach the child to see without giving acknowledgement, to not be afraid, not be curious or get too close. The scenery was varied as we walked, rocky, grassy, outside, inside, and there were snakes in a snack booth and a book case. They were talking to us, some trying to be helpful, give advice, offer to get things for us, but we had to remember they were still snakes. If we gave them any acknowledgement, they would bite us.
There were many blue things as well, blue was a significant color. There were people, men, women, children all around us, some talking to the snakes, some not. Some were holding the snakes, some were collecting them, but many just ignored them.
Snakes and whales have interesting meanings in dreams and as power animals. I’m curious to see what comes of this. But I woke up feeling very good.
That’s all for now follks. I’m doing really well. I’m looking forward to my next adventure. I’m singing, crying, laughing, and otherwise feeling the feels of life and loving it. Go be awesome today, I plan to.