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The endeavor to walk in the world: Overcoming

The endeavor to walk in the world: Overcoming

HEALING

Through a variety of ways, I have healed internally much faster than anticipated.  Mostly, through determination to not stay stuck in a place of fear.  However, there have been some other wonderful helps along the way. That is not to say I am through with the process.  Hell no.   But I’m farther along than I thought I would be right now.  Much farther.

My journey through becoming a shaman is slower than I expected, but far more powerfully healing than I anticipated.  It packs a punch and then I need time to process it all.   But, I am.  AND THAT IS AWESOME.  I am reaching and stretching and seeing life in bigger and better ways.  I am definitely more confident in my own abilities to trust my journey and its processes.  I am more confident in my spiritual strength and ability to follow my own path no matter who says what about it.

I have had to stare down my childhood and many of the ways that my parents, but specifically my father at this point, primed me for abuse in my future, albeit mostly unknowingly.  And I have had to work through the fear, very real and serious fear of confronting him about it.  But I’ve done it.  And he’s listened.  And though it was incredibly scary, it has been equally freeing since.

I am sifting through the book of my life and placing bookmarks between the pages I need to work on.  I am unfolding the page corners that I had dog-eared for quick reference; the stories I keep thinking back on, that keep me from growing.  I am going back and making new notes on the memories to remind little me that we figured out that problem.  And I am holding my book with newfound love, wrapped in my arms, against my chest; whereas before I held it at arms length, always afraid it would open to the wrong page when I wasn’t looking.

I am ready to travel and teach again.  I am ready to meet new people and find more joy.  I’m ready to start being me again.  And it feels pretty damn good.

RESEARCH

My research and discovery process is and has been enlightening to both the awareness that is already out there and to the still greater amount of awareness and education that is needed.  I have discovered terms I had never heard of, yet know the details of intimately, like Gaslighting.

Unless you know the term, you can’t find it as a form of abuse.  There’s no Google lookup for the individual terms within the forms of abuse, that I’ve found anyway.  It takes looking through hundreds of other avenues to find the term, then start looking that up. I’m working on changing that.  I’m collecting terms.  In fact, if you know of any, please comment, I need the help.

Boy have I had my fair share of gaslighting!  Look it up, you’ll be amazed, enlightened, and hopefully strengthened in your understanding of abuse, how to spot it and stop it.  And I’m starting my own new term, Halfening, the victim-blaming coddling of an abuser for fear of repercussion, after those that did it to me.

FEAR

I don’t like to think that I’m afraid of the unknown.  I actually like heading off into some new adventure, not sure what to expect or how things will turn out, who I will meet along the way, but ready to find out.

However, the unknown of where and when my next adventure begins…….   I am not liking this unknown at all.  I actually pretty much hate the interim.  It causes me panic and to make decisions too fast in order to at least be headed in a certain direction.

BUT HEY, I am in learning mode.  So, even though I’ve had a couple different opportunities to just head into the crazy wild blue, I haven’t taken them.  I’ve given more thought, I’ve taken more time.  I am learning.

LEARNING

I’m still working through the fear of trusting myself.  It is frustrating because I know that I made a fast decision to head off to Mozambique, but I also know that I was guided there.  I trusted my guide and I am actually coming out of this far stronger than even I would have guessed.  But, I am keenly aware that I was guided there to find out that I don’t know how to see the signs of abusers.

I asked for understanding of what happened with Sven.  I thought I had figured out my confidence, my refusal to put up with abuse, my love of self.  And then bam, confidence shaken.  And on the heels of that, Willem Johannes Goosen, aka John Goosen, of South Africa, happened.

This lack of confidence is a layer of the thick blanket of victim blaming that we hold onto.  It is both safe and suffocating.  I need to trust my gut and the results of following my gut.  Sven went against what my gut told me, but he worked until he convinced me.  Mozambique was completely following my gut.  Bad things happen no matter what.  Great things happen no matter what.

During the time I thought Sven and I were moving forward, I was so happy. I was so in love.  I had a great time, and I don’t regret one minute of it.  People ask me if I ever think of revenge; plot for someone to beat him up or something.  I don’t.  Truthfully, the best revenge is that he lost me.  I’m pretty awesome.  Don’t abuse me, and I’m top freaking notch.  That’s his loss not mine.

Mozambicans are wonderful people.  The local people amazed me in so many ways.  The scenery was wonderful and I am so grateful to have been to Africa.  And because of what happened in Mozambique, I have learned what happened with Sven, and what happened with the ex-husband and the few other ex relationships along the way.

I need to trust my gut and press forward with the decisions I make based on my instinct, without fear.  That blanket makes it safe to say, “if only”, “why didn’t I”, “I can’t”, “I shouldn’t”.  Those things feel safe, like they will keep me safe, but bad things happen no matter what.  Hiding from my path doesn’t keep me safe.  Running into or away from, doesn’t guarantee safety.

Just like I keep telling my little step-neice, it’s ok to make mistakes, that’s how we learn.

and

GREAT THINGS HAPPEN NO MATTER WHAT

ANOTHER DREAM

I need to stop worrying about safe and put my focus on non-abusive.  I had a dream last night.  I was swimming deep in the ocean with a group of whales.  They kept coming over to me and then going up to get air.  Somehow I was not needing to go get air, yet they kept insisting I should.  After I did, they showed me where land was and so I went up.

Everywhere I walked there were snakes. They were mostly out in the open, yet all of them had only their head and part body showing, the rest curled up in their hiding places.  A few were slinked back inside their hideout.  There was a child with me, and we were walking together.

I was not afraid of the snakes, but I knew I couldn’t give them any energy/ acknowledgement/ attention or they would bite.  I had to teach the child to see without giving acknowledgement, to not be afraid, not be curious or get too close.  The scenery was varied as we walked, rocky, grassy, outside, inside, and there were snakes in a snack booth and a book case.  They were talking to us, some trying to be helpful, give advice, offer to get things for us, but we had to remember they were still snakes.  If we gave them any acknowledgement, they would bite us.

There were many blue things as well, blue was a significant color.  There were people, men, women, children all around us, some talking to the snakes, some not.  Some were holding the snakes, some were collecting them, but many just ignored them.

Snakes and whales have interesting meanings in dreams and as power animals.  I’m curious to see what comes of this.  But I woke up feeling very good.

That’s all for now follks.  I’m doing really well.  I’m looking forward to my next adventure.  I’m singing, crying, laughing, and otherwise feeling the feels of life and loving it.   Go be awesome today, I plan to.

 

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Poetry – a look back through the pages of my journals

We are the same 

Soft quiet wind rushing through glimpses

Many faces seen through your eyes

Hazy, drenched

Reflections of you

Who you are today

You turn from me

Why turn? Thoughtless in me of you

We are the same

Sift through pebbles

Stones of recompense

Grant me serenity

A stone under a stone under a stone

We are the same

Face me

Touch me

Envelope our oneness

Thoughts of the wind, of treetops

Circling

They are still grounded by their love with gaia

We are the same

I Will       95

I will climb and conquer

I will misstep and misjudge

I will reach and achieve

I will stumble and fail

I will learn and grow

I will overcome and

I will love you the whole way through

Grateful for this time    04

Your kisses are meadows I long to lie down in

Soft grasses, flowing breezes

They are canyons reaching far below me

Into the depths of who I can be

The pleasures of nature

In the air

Whenever your breath enters mine

I seek after your embrace

which claims my soul in its tender hold

Caressing the being I am inside

gently coaxing like the pleasant water edges

which invite the weary wanderer to bathe

and be enveloped by its healing motions

When our essence entwines

I feel the earth below, the sky above, and everything in between

like the vines of the morning and the evening glory

along the same lattice

intermingling at noon as one unfolds

and the other gently lays to rest

I am so grateful to have this time with you

To love you and feel loved by you

Telluride  7/05

Telluride

Music floats around me

Mountains engulf my soul

Thousands of stars blinking, shooting

Shifting who I am

People, thousands of people simmer in the pot of humanity

So many different gifts together in one place

for peace

and the joy of music and mountains

Grasp the concept

Grasp the concept

Give back

Keep only what is given

Live life around the concept

Stand in the middle

Be only afraid that life is still turning

And you are standing still

Don’t be afraid

Throw in

Go out

Take the risk and live

You may think it’s not worth it

But really

It is

ARE THERE MOMENTS NOT SACRED ENOUGH TO REMEMBER?

We don’t all have

I saw a man today

Walking on the street

holding a sign of help needed

I gave him pistachios.

I went to school

In my car

From my home

As I left school today

I saw a woman

by the corner light

It was hot and she was sitting

I gave her my bread and butter

From my dinner

that I bought at a restaurant.

I drove home

wishing I had sunscreen to give the woman

Grateful for what I have

And saddened that

We don’t all have

Hollow Woman

Hollow woman

Your shell is intact but your eyes have gone

I can see through them as if they weren’t there

Come back

I will offer you what I have

Can you find what you left behind

With my help?

Are you ready to find it?

Is that where you are?

Oor have you run because it is trapped in your shell, So there you cannot be?

May you find peace in your journey

May you face what you fear

and triumph

May I have been one who helped you today

The dream gift  02/06

I dreamt today of a gift

Yet to be opened

I don’t know where it came from or from whom

A beautiful box wrapped simply

It spoke and said, “not yet”

A treasure I’m sure awaits inside for me

What can it be?

I am drawn in my waking moments

To find and open it

If I close my eyes I can reach for it

Yet still it says “the time has not come”

I can feel the tender craftsmanship of what awaits

The love put into the work of creating my gift

I can sense the excitement at being discovered

The building up until the moment arrives

My beautiful dream gift

I am willing to wait

But please not too long.

Lines

Arbitrary lines drawn through the boundaries

borders put up to keep out the rifraf

what if just because I’m “pretty” I can cross the line?

maybe I’m an arbitrary line?

maybe the arbitrary lines are just bridges helping change the way people see each other

does everything have to be in order all the time?

maybe order is chaotic and I am chaos and I have changed the order as a rifraf line of arbitration.

 

My Prayer to The Universe

May I never greet the day without gratitude for my breath

May I never greet the sunset without gratitude for my days work

And may I never gaze at the tapestry of the night sky without gratitude for my place in the world

May I always be known for my giving nature

May I always be seen as a gift to ones life

And may I always be looked upon as one who lived and enjoyed every moment

 

FLIGHT: WIND TAMED UNDER WILD WINGS

 

Because 6/06

Because I believe in me

I can believe in you

Because I can feel

I can feel for you

Because I am free

I cherish your freedom

Because I can learn

I want to learn from you

Because I can dream

My dreams can include you

 

Falling in love with a shoulder

When the heart is broken the head needs a shoulder

When you realize you love someone who was never there

You need a shoulder to help make it stop hurting

Love doesn’t hurt so much with the simpleness of a shoulder –given freely- to cry on

Why does love hurt so much?

Why are there old loves and new loves?

And why is it all so painful?

The one thing I want I cannot have

A shoulder to cry on.

If I ever fall in love again

It’s going to be with just a f@cking shoulder.

A shoulder attached to a strong arm and a helping hand.

But really without the unconditional caring understanding perfect shoulder to hold a weary head

What good is the rest of it?

 

My Look

Moments strung together on an empty line

They keep falling off the line

Won’t be tied

Grandiose pictures of love

That isn’t, wasn’t, and won’t be

Moving pictures that capture the still frames of passion without momentum

Half truth half light

Secret purposes

One more night

What do I do now?

I wanted to feel kept

I needed to feel loved

Instead I feel lonely again

While you went away

back to another’s arms as soon as you left mine

My forehead felt blessed

My heart felt comfort

My arms were filled

And now

I am hurting again

While you give my look

To someone else.

 

Tides turn

Tides turn coming in

Beach and ocean come together

Going out

Tides turn

Knowing they’ll meet again

Under the sun, the stars, the moon, the clouds

Giving to each other everyday

Gifts of love

Day in day out

They see each other change

They create the others change

Endless tides

Blessed unions.

Tides turn

The seas can be rough

Pounding the beach

Great stones can be heaved

Churning the sea

Then all is well again

‘A shell my lady’

Tides turn

In and out

Back and forth

Singing the notes of life

Together

Look Upon Them

Rising quarter moon stare

The darkness of your gown with slender light

Engulf the passion of the storm which rages

Bathe the waters

Call upon your sisters the stars

To guide the lovers to the secret beaches that only you can see

And while still high in the night sky

With your crescent smile

Look upon them

Be me  04/06

I will always be free

I will always be torn between wanting to unite

And needing to be me

Unless there is another

To whom I am the perfect compliment

For then I could unite as me

 
 

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Graduation, Final Projects, and being free enough to breathe again

We finished Les Miserables on Friday.  My students were stunned as we went through the turbulent changes that Victor Hugo packs into the book.  It was kind of fun to go through half a day and explain the French Revolution and what the ABC society was all about.  I had them connect to the student walk-outs in CA and AZ.  I played the 2008 version of the movie for the final film segment of the story.

As Jean Valjean, Liam Neeson, walks away from the river, I paused the movie and had the students talk about what they saw in his face; the freedom, the happiness.  Then we talked about what other people they’ve been studying might have had this same look on their faces.  Students right away mentioned, freed slaves, women after they got the right to vote, followers of Martin Luther King Jr. and Caesar Chavez.   We discussed how my graduation had me feeling like I was free to begin my new life.

Today, (now technically yesterday since I’m posting this a day after I wrote it) they began planning their final project, a small-group collaboration of all the work they’ve been producing this last month.  They will present their projects to the whole school on Friday.

They are feverishly planning how to visually display everything they’ve been learning, feeling, and wondering about.  They have to answer the question, “Can 1 person change society?”, and there is already some interesting debates happening in their groups.   I am glad to have them finally started on the projects and it’s wonderful to see them working so hard, especially now at the end of the year.

Aahh my graduation was on Saturday.  I can’t believe I am done with any kind of undergraduate anything!  It feels surreal.   I’m still getting used to the idea.  What a crazy, wonderful, hectic weekend.   I had quite a bit of family stay with us.  I am forever grateful to my dad and step mom for all the work and help and support they were.   Thane’s mom just left today and she was also extraordinary.  My momma, Jean, and Brian cooked for days to have a wonderful, delicious feast for all of the guests!  I can’t ever thank them enough.

I got to drive a ’66 Shelby Cobra as one of my graduation gifts!!  I am truly in awe.  It felt like something I’ve seen in an old movie.  Man, driving must have been SO fun before power everything.  It was really cool to steer …and the wind in my hair!  Of course the hair was also in my eyes a couple times, but it felt amazing to drive that car!

I’ve been looking in to a few places to take my art to this summer.  I plan to paint like a starving artist this summer J  along with teaching a few evening classes etc.

I am TRULY looking forward to getting back to learning Spanish, staying in shape, feeling like I have enough time to put my clothes away after they get washed, and reading a few books just for fun.  And being able to write whenever I feel like it instead of the few spare moments that accidently get thrown my way.  Ok, time to grade the final weeks papers!  I am actually a little sad that it is my last week of student teaching……

 
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Posted by on 15/05/2012 in Uncategorized

 

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